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September 25, 2007

Solicitation 101, 18 U.S.C. 1952

"Between the Briefs"
By Rooks

According to a survey conducted at UVA’s law school earlier this year, 52% of students reported taking a long enough break from softball to have sex at least once a week. Here at the Res Gestae, call us optimistic, but we’d submit that Michigan can outsex UVA any day of the week - Facebook pictures don’t lie. (Seriously, if law school really is like high school for most people, then I must’ve gone to the most boring high school in . . . anywhere.)

Unfortunately, while I’m still holding out hope for a survey of our own, it’s likely too early in our columnist/reader relationship to ask classmates to spill the beans about their every sexual move - that’s at least third-date territory. (Besides, you’re all probably far too busy actually having sex to fill out a questionnaire.) So rather than get all up in your dicta, though ever responsive to the needs of the readership, we figured that if folks insist on getting down (or up, or around . . . whatever butters your muffin), the very least we could do is write about it. That would be, I suppose, where I come in.
I may not be Carrie Bradshaw - for one, I smoke a lot less, ‘cause, kids, it’ll kill you - but I am a sex writer. It’s essentially my job to know what people do behind closed doors (not in that stalkerish way) and give some pointers on how they could do it better. Hey, even if you don’t need sex tips, I’m also an endless source of random facts. I know how many calories are in the average teaspoon of a gentleman’s most . . . strenuous objection. (Between 5 and 7.) I can tell you what the tell-tale signs of the pox are and in which states there’s a duty to disclose. (It shouldn’t hurt to go home or burn when you pee, and if you’re in New York and have AIDS, it’s a possible felony to willfully endanger a partner.) I’ve even testified as an expert witness in countless cases concerning sexual health and behavior. (Well actually, that last one’s a big ol’ lie, but I’ve given a lot of workshops, so if you ever need an expert witness, you know who to call.)

Despite the fact that solicitation is only legal in one state of the union, I’m nonetheless ready, willing and able to . . . answer your questions, entertain your suggestions, and generally give voice to ideas, news items, diatribes and whatever else you can throw at me – if there’s an issue you want to know more about (for instance, whether the Character & Fitness board will really call your ex-girlfriend, or in what states it’s illegal to buy sex toys), I want to hear about it . . . and then publish it for the prying eyes of the entire school. But don’t worry – if you spend your nights tormented, wondering why no one else seems to appreciate the brooding and darkly passionate sexual appeal of Supreme Court Justice and President of the United States William Howard Taft, I won’t judge you, and neither will anyone else – anonymity is entirely assured. (Unless you don’t want it to be, you kinkster, you.)

You all have the power to influence what you see in this column. If it’s about sex or relationships, it’s time to stop being afraid to ask, and to start reading the Res Gestae “for the articles.”

To submit a question or idea for Res Gestae’s new sex columnist, please feel free to e-mail rg@umich.edu, or, if you’d prefer greater anonymity, deposit your question under cover of night in the RG student group pendaflex outside Legal Research 116.