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January 29, 2008

Your Sex Questions Answered!

"Between the Briefs"

Let it never be said that Michigan students don’t like to procrastinate. After I had essentially given up all hope of ever actually answering questions and/or dispensing advice in this column I got (comparatively) bombarded with queries between the last issue and this one. The lengths y’all will go to to avoid studying are positively mind-boggling.

I’m allergic to spermicidal lubricants, but it seems like all condoms have them – why is that? And where can I go to get condoms that don’t come with this feature?
-Likes the Swimmers to Die a Natural Death

LSDND,
Where on earth do you buy your condoms? There are tons, and I do mean literal, actual, all 2,000+ lbs. of it, tons of condoms in this world without spermicidal lubricant. In fact, in my experience you have work harder to find the sperm snuffing ones, especially these days, as the FDA has recently (like, a month ago) mandated that all standalone Nonoxynol 9 products (foams, gels, inserts, films – if it’s semi-aqueous or dissolvable and you can fit it in a body cavity, there’s likely a sperm decimating agent made from it) be labeled with a warning. Though I was hoping that this warning consisted of something like “slippery when wet” or “if product gets in eye, seek medical help, but seriously, how on earth did you do that?”, it’s a much more standard message about how it’s been conclusively shown that spermicides, like Nonoxynol 9, cannot prevent transmission of various STIs, and in fact they actually increase the risk of infection.

See LSDND, your reaction to spermicide, though I’m sure more severe than normal, since you’ve noticed it, isn’t all that odd – Nonoxynol 9 has been shown to irritate the vaginal (or rectal) canal such that the odds of catching something actually goes up with use. Even though condoms are not a standalone spermicide product (and thus don’t require the FDA warning), this is still incredibly important to bear in mind when choosing a contraceptive. Even though pregnancy has often been termed the most expensive of sexually transmitted diseases, there are so many ways to not get preggers in this world that don’t up your chances of getting some really unfortunate viral below-the-belt action, that to my mind, spermicide just isn’t worth the risk.

As for where to buy condoms, Meijer’s is open 24 hours a day, if you know what I’m saying, but should you have special requirements that need be addressed, like a spermicide or latex allergy, or maybe you just want something in a blue or green color to really bring out your eyes, you can visit S3, just a few blocks from the Law Quad, and those ladies should be able to hook you up nicely. Should you be worried that your fellow students might learn of the extent to which you prefer condoms that make your bits taste like strawberries, there’s always condomania.com, which has an incredible variety of options for all your condom buying needs.
Happy hunting!
-Rooks

Ok, so, why is porn legal in the US but prostitution isn’t? It’s all getting paid for sex, right?
-Just Curious

JC,
Dude, this article is 800 words, not 8,000. Much like an in-class exam, there is no way I can adequately answer that question in the space and time provided. I do have a theory that this vagary in the law is based on the concept that a prostitute “solicits”, i.e., lures others into sin, while a pornographic actor merely engages in sin with another sinner. This would, in some ways, account for the fact that porn distributors are more often targeted in criminal actions than the actors themselves, or how johns are (relatively) rarely arrested for hiring a hooker – more sinned against than sinning, etc. Of course, that could be complete crap.
Thanks for the note topic.
-Rooks

This is maybe a little weird but I figured maybe I’m not alone. I think the guy I’m seeing is really messed up about his grades, like he’s lost a lot of his self-confidence. And with that loss has come the loss of . . . other things, if you know what I’m saying. So I’m raring to go, but he’s barely interested in anything but studying even more, and even when we’re on the same page he sometimes has a problem keeping things going, as it were. What can I do?
-Looking for 1Lovin’

L1L,
Ok seriously y’all, they are just grades. It is the nature of a curve that not everyone can be a unique and special snowflake anymore, and, unless your name starts with a “W” and ends with “hitman”, this is a fact that we’re all going to have to accept at some point.

As for your specific problem, L1L, you can’t force the kid to get his nose out of the books and back in the place it belongs, namely your crotch. However, on the increasingly rare occasions that y’all manage to begin knocking the proverbial boots, make sure not to rush it, or put undue pressure on him to finish the job in the “standard” manner. There’s a whole world of non-tab A into slot B sex just begging to be explored, and plenty of it in no way requires an erection. Hopefully his interest in getting you off will resume as soon as the shock of that first trip to Wolverine Access wears off, and he subsequently realizes that when he lets Con Law ruin a perfectly good sex life, the terrorists win.
-Rooks

Law school has driven me to drink in a big way; is there a way to get a bartender’s attention quickly without having breasts?
-Alcoholic Lawyer is Slightly Redundant

ALSR,
This is something I normally wouldn’t address in this column for two reasons: 1) it’s tangentially related to sex at best, and 2) I, in fact, have breasts, so it’s not really an issue with which I concern myself. However, in the interest of encouraging y’all to ply me with your sex questions, no matter how random, I’ll give it a go. I think the key thing to remember about bartenders, ALSR, is that they’re in it for the money; no matter how regular you are, money is the way to a barkeep’s heart. Thus your options for being served quickly are pretty open, provided they all involve cash. Probably the best way is to be a regular, tip well, and always order the same drink. Barring what I’d call simple sight recognition, I’ve found that leaning on the bar with cash or card visibly in hand is the quickest way to garner prompt service – it clearly indicates that you’re ready to order and, more importantly, ready to pay. Once you have a drink at the ready, distracted though you may be by the sweet nectar of the gods so recently dispensed to you, tip well. Bartenders have an eye for good tippers, cleavage notwithstanding, which should keep you deep in your cups for the evening’s duration.
-Rooks


To submit a question or idea for Res Gestae’s sex columnist, please feel free to e-mail rg@umich.edu, or, if you’d prefer greater anonymity, deposit your question under cover of night in the RG student group pendaflex outside Legal Research 116.