« Feelings of Inadequecy | Main | Mom's Adventures in CyberSpace »
July 16, 2006
Snow White Swims The Ocean
Lately I’ve been missing the former phases of my life. I’m not exactly sure why, since I’d say I’m generally much happier and MUCH healthier now. For the first time, I feel free to pursue my ambitions and make the life I want happen. I did not feel that way before, in my previous stages of refining and fermenting.
I used to feel pegged into an identity, a character. I was often a very narrow contribution to an organic whole. Each phase of my life was denoted, not by the role I fulfilled, but by the grand play I was in. I don’t think back on my ‘experimental stage’ or my ‘rebel phase’ or even my trip through ‘girly-girl pubescence.’ Instead I remember my days with The Crew, and many Girls’ Night adventures, and the Era of Co-Op Living. Strangely, when I think back on these times of belonging, I remember always feeling like I was the piece that didn’t fit. I guess everyone between the phases of pimply puberty and self-conscious collegiate feels as though they are the odd one out, so I won’t over dramatize my own feelings of awkwardness and disconnect. Suffice to say, it seems always feeling like I didn’t fit would have prepared me much more for a life of not belonging, of being on my own.
Somehow, though, I find myself missing that sense of being part of the group, of knowing my place and my path. I know that all of those old cliques are still tightly bonded, but now without me. I wonder if I missed out, by moving on and leaving them behind. They’ve made connections that have opened doors for them and led them into great adventures, together. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t really accomplished anything, because it takes twice as long to swim the ocean by one’s self. It would have been so much easier, and perhaps less lonely, to continue to stow away on their journeys, and let them oar me to a distant shore, even if the destination wasn’t what I wanted.
I suppose I don’t really miss those 'cliques'. I don’t miss being a fraction of a person... What I do miss is being jaded enough to be content playing a part in that life. Things were so much easier when I could fit into my role and shrug of the falsehood, the drama, the burden of expectation.
I miss the former phases of my life, because they were an age of innocence. They were an age of acceptance, complacency, and ennui.
Now, I feel this pressure to prove that I am better off having left those unhealthy phases behind. I feel like I have to swim across the ocean and beat the ship, and in all of the rush, I’m missing the joy of the swim.
I guess the point of this blog is to remind myself that its O.K. to tread water, as long as you are resting in a place that you really want to be.
Posted by vcbailey at July 16, 2006 01:29 PM