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July 28, 2006
The Facebook Paradox
I’m a junky.
I admit, I have a real problem of the addiction sort.
I am hooked on Facebook.
And not just Facebook, but MySpace too.
I waste hours online, usually when I’m at work. I don’t think that’s immoral of me. If they wanted me to do work, while I’m at work, then they would leave me work to do. Anything else that I find to fill the hours is just effective management of my time.
So, I Facebook at work. I MySpace at work. I’m so addicted that I just used Facebook and MySpace as VERBS.
But do I update my own profile or load my own pictures? Nope. My user info has been pretty stable since the inception of my accounts several months ago.
I use these sites for a much sexier purpose. I use them to look at other people; to look at you.
And I find out all sorts of interesting, crazy little tidbits of information.
Like that guy, that I used to date 2 summers ago, who I broke up with because he was a total ‘Can’t use a telephone to save his life’ Schmuck…he just scored a perfect 180 on his LSATs. That news made my day.
And I currently have friends, who I thought I was rather close to, that are living in New York and Chicago and Paris and Africa and London and Poland and Texas and I HAD NO IDEA. I should be taking more vacations….
And everyone, I mean EVERYONE, who I went to High School with is getting married.
And so I’ve come to the conclusion that being addicted to the Facebook just rubs in my face how much everyone else is accomplishing with their lives while I’m sitting around surfing the Facebook.
And so, I'm going to make the most terrifically intriguing facebook profile ever. I'm going to lie, of course. I am going to flat out lie to make my life sound infinitely more incredible that anyone could ever dream.
As of this moment:
After writing my senior thesis on The Mating Habits of Multicellular Parasites in Bog and Swamp Habitats, I applied for early graduation to move to Kenya and work as an intern for the United Nation’s Gazelle Amputee Rehabilitation Center.
After several late night conversations with the President of Kenya, enjoyed over games of chess and Bailey’s on ice, I realized how important art and culture are to the development of a society. I returned to the U.S. and began work planning publicity galas for art houses in SoHo, which cater exclusively to clientele under the age of 12.
When my left leg was taken in a freak subway train accident, I went into rehab where I learned to overcome my self-esteem issues and developed a healthy superiority complex. My first autobiography, entitled ‘My Triumph Over Tragedy and Why Your Life Is Completely Inadequate,” was published as a result of my personal discoveries in therapy.
I spent a brief period of time teaching prisoners convicted of tax fraud to crochet as a means of positive creative outlet.
I'm being awarded an honorary PhD from the London School of Economics and Political Science in the field of Ethics.
My second autobiography, entitled "What To Do At 22, When You’ve Already Accomplished Everything" will be published by Harvard Press this November.
Later, while working at a marine biology lab of the coast of New Zealand, I met the Slavic prince of a former Soviet Republic. We fell madly in love, he gave me a 3 carat ring made out of a stone he found while traveling as an astronaut on the first Mars landing, and we intend to have a massive blow-out wedding on his private island next June.
Oh, and I just won the lottery, and donated all my winnings to an orphanage in the Philippines.
Take that facebook Biatches.
Posted by vcbailey at July 28, 2006 04:05 PM