August 09, 2006
My Brother - Telemarketer Extraordinaire, With Attitude
“Good afternoon Kathryn, my name is Lee. You might remember me because we sat next to each other in calculus through the entirety of senior year….
“Kathryn, are you 18?
“Are you registered to vote?
“Do you care about anything outside of your own limited sphere of adolescent reality?
“If so, then please listen to the following message.
“We have been gerimandered. As proud, democratic Chelsea-ites, we used to vote with the proud, democratic members of the Ann Arbor district. It was a happy relationship. Their un-showered, free-spirited, hippy mentality gave us a creative edge which we enjoyed. Our small minded, small-town, middle class elitism was something that they mostly overlooked. This relationship, however, has been torn asunder.
“The lines have been redrawn, and we now vote with the Jackson district, the birthplace of the Republican party. Meaning that, come November, when the elections for National Congress Representative occur, whichever Republican is on the ticket will most likely win in a great landslide when the flood gates open allowing a sea of ignorant red pollution to flow into the voting booths.
“It is thus, our duty, as devout liberals to insure that the least douche-baggy Republican possible is on the ticket. His name is Joe Schwarz.
“So please, go to the voting station before 8pm today and cast a vote in the Republican primary for Joe Schwarz. Because Tim Walberg is indeed a douche-bag, and we can’t have that now can we?
“I know you can do this, Kathryn. I believe in your ability to make this one happen. I hope you’ll get off your lazy but today and cast a vote for Joe Schwarz, because he’s the Democratic choice…..I also hope, you aren’t a Republican.
“Have A Nice Day.”
I love my brother.
Even if Walberg did win the primary 54%-46%, I think we still taught the GOP a lesson: Don’t mess with egocentric, adolescent, liberal idealists. We know people, we have cell phones, and we have nothing better to do with our time than make calls informing others of what douche-bags you are.
Posted by vcbailey at 10:20 AM | Comments (0)