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June 09, 2008
Julie Halpert, ’84, and Deborah Carr
As young women today wrestle with decisions about work and family, they need all the support they can get. But the person whose support they crave most—their mother—often can't get on board. Why does a mother's approval matter so much? And why is it so painful for mothers when daughters choose paths different from theirs? Julie Halpert and Deborah Carr answer these questions by focusing on the issues of dating/marriage, career and child rearing. Relying on interviews with nearly 100 mothers and daughters, and offering tips from more than two dozen therapists, they explore a range of communication issues and how to resolve them.
Julie Halpert is a freelance journalist with more than two decades of experience writing for national publications, including The New York Times, Newsweek, The Washington Post, Self, FamilyFun and Parents. She has been a contributor to public radio programs such as “The Environment Report,” “Marketplace” and “Living on Earth.” She lives in Michigan with her husband and three children.
AAUM: Why is the mother-daughter relationship so intense?
Halpert: Mothers and daughters historically have had a closely knit, tight bond. And they tend to share their feelings with one another more than men do. Daughters often look up to their mothers and care about how their mothers view their choices. Mothers often see their daughters as a reflection of themselves, more than they do with their sons.
Why is the relationship between mothers and daughters more strained today than it has been in past generations?
Mothers and daughters have always squabbled. What’s unique about mothers and daughters today is that the two generations have had vastly different upbringings, opportunities and life experiences. Mothers of a generation ago faced far more limited opportunities in the areas of romance, work and childbearing. The two generations are making such fundamentally different life choices today that it inevitably spills over into how mothers and daughters treat one another.
Do you see these problems in certain types of mother-daughter relationships or are they universal?We focused on mothers and daughters who had a fundamentally solid relationship. But the common thread was there were disagreements that created stresses and got in the way of a harmonious mother/daughter bond. Problems were more pronounced when one of the two women took a “my way or the highway” approach and couldn’t understand, respect or validate the other’s choice.
Your book focuses on the core issues of dating/marriage, careers and child rearing—why?Those were the main hot-button issues among the women we interviewed. That’s because women today have so many more options in these areas than their mothers did. So we had many situations where mothers could not relate to their daughters’ choices in these areas. And that made the situation ripe for conflict.
You interviewed nearly 100 mothers and daughters in preparation for writing your book. Can you share one or two interesting or touching stories?I was particularly moved by situations where mothers and daughters rallied around each other. We had one woman who was put on bed rest when pregnant with her twins. Her mother drove three hours round-trip and stayed with her daughter half the week for several weeks to take care of her. The daughter said she instantly felt a feeling of calm once her mom walked through the door. The mother said when you have children you should “be behind them right to the bitter end, through school, going through college and afterward.” It was a moving instance of how the mother-daughter bond can help you weather a crisis.
How can the two generations find common ground or at least learn to get along?
Communication is key. Think before you speak. Word your messages in ways that are empathic and understanding, without anger. Try to understand what the motivations are behind the message. Try to learn more about each other. That will pave the way for better understanding.
Did you have a personal motivation to write this book in light of your own relationship with your mother?
My mother is like so many mothers out there today. She is caring and wants what’s best for me. She sees my life as far more chaotic than hers was as a young mother. And she often feels compelled to give me advice on everything from home decorating to how my kids and I wear our hair. I tend to interpret this as criticism, so I’m quite defensive. I wanted to explore a way that other mothers and daughters could get past the sniping and improve their relationships. This book got me there.
Our main message is that two people get along best when they truly understand each other’s motivations for why they’re doing what they’re doing. We encourage mothers and daughters to learn more about one another; those insights will help both generations to be empathetic rather than judgmental.
We also recognize that emotional intimacy and a Lifetime TV mother-daughter moment can’t happen magically. And for some women it won’t happen at all. Some mothers and daughters may have to accept that a “good enough” relationship is just fine.
Posted by lingjiex at June 9, 2008 08:54 PM