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March 25, 2007
The Disneyland Phenomenon
It’s been a fact of life that for a long time, people have coming to me with their problems, their worries, their concerns. I’m not sure exactly why that is, although I’ve come to accept it. And to be honest, I really can’t think when this all first started—definitely from the very beginning of high school, perhaps even in middle school. And I still am unsure: why me?
And it’s not something I really complain about; in fact, I feel honored that people come to me and feel that they can speak so openly, so honestly. I wish that I knew someone else like me—someone else that is placed in the same position, someone that is a good listener and knows how to handle tough situations. But the fact is, I don’t (at least not yet); and so for the time being, I have to accept the idea that I have a very unique specialty.
This “specialty” so to speak is something that has followed me here to Mexico. I never really thought that I would be listening to people’s problems in a foreign country (nor in Spanish, mind you), but it’s happened before. In fact, it’s happened a lot: extranjeros falling in love with Mexicanos and vice-versa, the challenges of culture shock, problems reconciling differences in culture on both ends, problems with host families and problems with guests. And more recently on Holbox, I listened to the personal family situation of Rosa, a girl that I traveled with.
And on Friday night, when I least expected it, I found myself working my job again. Doña Sarita first approached me about her concern for Lorena, her granddaughter. Lorena is a student at the Facultad de Medicina in the UADY and is such a nice girl. More recently, she has considered switching her major and will need to start in a new program. Because of scheduling at the UADY, she wouldn’t be able to start until February of next year and until then, she has decided to go to the United States to work. Both Sarita and Katinka approached me and asked me my thoughts about Lorena’s travels to the United States. I was put in an awkward position first of all because I was talking to a 70+ year old woman and a 50+ year old woman, but secondly, because I didn’t know how much advice or discussion was appropriate to offer to the conversation. I basically offered examples of my own personal apprehensions/nervousness before studying abroad and answered some of their questions about which parts of the United States I felt were safer—safer in general and safer for Mexicanos.
Then Sara spoke to me about problems she’s been having with Ben. He’s left the refrigerator door open this week and cockroaches have gotten into the food she’s prepared, he’s left his door opened several times to his bedroom, and he’s otherwise been generally aggravating. She told me that she’s going to fumigate the room and charge him for the service, since he’s the reason for such action and she asked if I could try speaking to him to make him understand that his behavior is wrong. I felt like it wasn’t my business to talk to Ben in such a way (after all, none of this really affected me; I’ve since moved into my own room and have been living a bug-free life since then) and that she should talk to him or she should get Elizabeth, our elizabeth to talk to him. I offered her some English words, however, to use in the conversation, thinking it would help the discussion.
Well, the discussion didn’t go so well and Ben came upstairs to me infuriated. He claimed no responsibility for any of actions and really, he didn’t see why any of it was wrong in the first place. I tried to act as a good listener; I didn’t want to tell him that I thought he was crazy. I didn’t want to add in any personal bias into the discussion. I just offered some “hypothetical” comments about why Sarita might have been mad.
In any event, we all went downstairs for dinner and the conversation continued over dinner. Ben and the host parents really aren’t getting along and they are pushing him to leave as soon as he can. They don’t want to kick him out, because they are dependent upon that money as their source of financial income, but at the same time, they are really not happy about him living under their roof. They are forever talking to me about his behavior and about what they can do to make him understand his place in the house and make him respect their place as well.
Afterwards, Ben came into my room and we started talking again. And surprisingly, the direction of our conversation and the tone really seemed to change. First we began talking about the general dynamics of our Rutgers group and great animosity that is growing between Cristina and Molly. Like Ben and I discussed: study abroad=money. Life=money.
And the reason that we brought this up is the following: ........(this part of the blog has been temporarily set to ´´private settings´´).
The conversation then shifted a bit and Ben told me that on Tuesday he broke up with his girlfriend and he said that the break-up is what has been possibly been causing his actions. To be honest, I thought it was incredible that Ben had a girlfriend, considering he has the personality of dead seaweed or—or worse, stale granola—but in any event, I understood that he really needed someone to talk to. He told me that they broke up because their ideas of “commitment” really were not clear. Apparently they started going out in August, she left for study abroad from September-December and then he left from January until the current time. So I really wondered to myself: did they really know each other at all? How much time did the really get to know each other?
Plus, he told me, since he’s been here, he’s only spoken to her about 2 maybe 3 times. And I’m not talking about over the phone. I’m talking about he’s communicated her via phone/email/whatever two or three times, period. That to me sounded really interesting…
I tried to offer him some words of comfort, although it was really difficult. We spoke about returning to a fresh start next year, a brand new semester at Grinnell, a brand new semester at Michigan. And I told him (almost begrudgingly) that I’m sure “good things will come his way.”
And then it was my turn to talk a bit. “Speaking of returning to a fresh semester,” I said, “I too am nervous about returning to Michigan.” After all, I thought, what kind of friend have I been here in Mexico to those I’ve left in Michigan? Have I done a fair job at keeping in touch with them? What if they don’t remember me? What if they don’t want to remember me?
Ben told me not to worry and he told me a story of his from high school. One year in high school, he said, his band took a long trip to Disneyland in California for a music competition. He couldn’t go because he had to attend a family function in Chicago. He was upset about it, because he felt like he was missing out, he felt like he would return to school and be out of the “loop” so to speak. He would be left out of the conversations regarding the trip, he would be left out of the memories.
But when he returned, he was surprised to hear his friends talk to him about the trip. They asked him what he had liked best about the trip to Disneyland and if he remembered certain events that took place at Disneyland. “I didn’t go. Remember?” Ben told his friends.
And the fact is, Ben told me, his friends didn’t remember that he wasn’t there. They didn’t remember because they generally associated good memories with their friendship. They generally associated a trip to Disneyland with Ben being there.
Ben calls this the Disneyland Phenomenon.
“If you’re truly friends,” he said “studying abroad won’t matter at all.” He told me I would be able to jump right into the swing of things again at Michigan. In fact, he said, many of my friends won’t even remember that I studied abroad this semester. They’ll talk to me as if I was living a semester in Michigan with them.
I really thanked Ben for the interesting discussion. I was really happy that he offered such an example and it put my own worries at ease for a bit.
And so for a while, I sat thinking about the Disneyland effect— thinking and writing.
And as I was thinking, I listened to the creaking of Ben’s doors swinging wide open in the wind….
Posted by jlsumich at March 25, 2007 10:48 PM