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January 28, 2008
Swallowed
It’s like standing in quick sand
Trying not to make any sudden moves
Not reaching for help,
Or wiping away the tears
Not saying what my heart
Wants to say
Not staying will make it
Easier to go away
Being lighter
Doesn’t make me buoyant
Doesn’t make me stronger
Doesn’t matter anyway
The sand won’t hold
Much longer
I never minded pulling in
As much as I do now
Trying not to think too much
What heaven won’t allow
Broken piece by broken piece
I’ll be swallowed up
Quietly slipping away
Hoping you might forget me, then
Just like you did today.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:54 PM | Comments (0)
January 24, 2008
When I Am All
I feel the doors closing
Every where I turn
The tears are there just waiting
But I don’t have the nerve
To find out why
To find out what went wrong
It’s better to step back
And leave it all alone
Like it never happened
Like I never had the hope
I guess I never will be different
If I can’t let this go
Right now it’s all I have
To keep going, to keep waiting
To keep a tighter rein
On what could give me away
Or what could hold me back
To keep myself protected
To keep me as I seem
To be less before I am more
To be someone to believe
As long as I make the 30 miles
And end up safe at home
It doesn’t matter what goes on
When I am all alone.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:49 PM | Comments (0)
January 23, 2008
Driving on Ice
Driving on ice
Walking on snow
Being very careful
With my soul
Working through
The winter
Waiting
On a thaw
Wondering if the
Doors I try
Will ever yield
Rewards
Focused on
The waiting
Growing patience
In a jar
Perched on
The window sill
In the false sun
Of winter
Sometimes
I remind myself
Of what I think
Is true
Other times
I just rewind
And there's
Nothing I can do
Driving on ice
Walking on snow
Being very careful
Guarding my soul.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)
January 21, 2008
I Can Clean
I can clean out the clutter
I can file all the bills
I can use my shredder
Until I've had my fill
Of destroying
And de-owning
Of trimming down my life
But my heart is never
Going to heal
There will never be a day
When I wish you weren't here
There will never be a night
That's not the loneliest
I've ever spent
There will never be
Our life again.
From now on,
It will always be just me.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
Cracks in My Foundation
Cracks in my foundation
Account for the shifts
In my heart
There is so much to be
Overwhelmed by that
I don't know where to start
I just sit
Watching the walls crumble
Watching the regrets pile up
Wanting to move in some direction
But unable to decide which way
To go
Trying to bring myself up
But feeling the pressure
To stay down
To pull back in
To stay away from anything
That could cause me pain
Or any feeling at all
This is it, then
This is the rest of my life
I'll go through it numbly
And find ways to pretend
That I am still alright
And that I will always be
And hope that no one ever see
The cracks in my foundation.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:36 PM | Comments (0)
January 18, 2008
A More Affordable Diet Plan
Hey! I found something cheaper than the weekly-weigh-in-visit or ship-meals-to-you home diet plans...
And it's even more effective... it's called a Passport photo. It only costs about $112.00 as opposed to $300.00 or more for those other popular programs. Plus, you get a permanent laminated reminder, courtesy of the US Government, as to why you must diet. 8 weeks from now, when the "program" arrives, you'll see what I mean... :-) jak
Posted by jaselin at 02:48 PM | Comments (0)
January 17, 2008
Flexibility Preview: What, When, Where and Why
In September 2008, I sent the following message to everyone I could think of who knew my husband and me.
"Dear Family and Friends,
In celebration of Jeff’s life, and to positively recognize the one year anniversary of his passing, from October 6, 2007 through October 13, 2007 I will travel to New Orleans as a relief worker.
Our UMC group of 50 volunteers will be traveling by caravan, and I am writing to you to ask for your help in covering gasoline costs. A single $1.00 donation will go a long way, when you add it together with other $1.00 donations from family, friends and coworkers.
I am looking forward to helping heal a part of New Orleans, and to hopefully healing a part of myself, as well. My heart will be taking Jeff and all of you with me.
Sincerely, Mrs. Jeffrey S. Korte"
Many factors influenced my decision to make this trip. (Reference: view NOLA section under Faith category.) When creating a presentation of my mission experience for church, I discovered a common theme threaded throughout my trip and throughout my life in general. I'm still learning things about myself from having made this trip.
(Ignore the created dates: I wanted this blog to show in ascending order, but the rest of the site in descending order.)
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:07 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility: Course Preview
Flexibility is one of those forbidden words for me.
I just don’t flex.
I know that when I have to, I don’t flex well.
So, I plan. Emergency plans, disaster plans, escape routes. I anticipate problems, project errors, and sometimes I’ve even been known to plan for planning.
In any case, the one thing that kinda worried me about joining the GITC Missions group was Leader Eric Miller’s persistent insistence during orientation, and I mean in almost every other sentence, that we as mission volunteers would be required to be FLEXIBLE. It really didn’t take me too long to convince myself that it would be an ok experiment to see how flexible I could be.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:00 PM | Comments (0)
January 16, 2008
Flexibility: Course Preparation
But, just in case...
I packed extra batteries for my flashlight, first aid equipment, V8 juice in case there turned out to be a lack of fresh vegetables available, and canned fruit for the same reason. I packed extra socks. I even packed a power strip. Suppose everyone who had a cell phone wanted to charge them up at the same time? I packed extra works gloves, and two hammers – you know, just in case one broke. Could happen, right? I packed 800 numbers for all the major airlines, just in case I needed to bail out. I did manage restrain myself though. I didn’t pack a roll of toilet paper, only a half-dozen of those little packets of tissues. And I couldn’t imagine even one situation where my passport would be required, so I left that at home, too. Armed with all those other emergency items though, I was sure that I was now downright PREPARED to be flexible.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility 101
Wouldn't you know, the mild flexing started right away.
In Chelsea we were waiting for two riders who never came. Turns out they had joined another van, which worked out fine, because now we were able to fit all of the donated tools that Tecumseh United Methodist Church had asked me take me down to New Orleans.
Palmer Ford in Chelsea had graciously donated the use of a 12 passenger van. We were traveling in a caravan of cars and vans. We had riders who were willing to be drivers, too. There were walkie- talkies, cell phones, GPS systems, and some folks even had maps. I’ll get back to the maps issue later. Seeing as I drive a commuter van 5 days a week, I volunteered to help with the driving duties. To me that counted as flexing. Something I had not foreseen, or planned for.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility 110
Traveling food.
I was prepared! I had pretzels and my V8, canned fruit, plus some peanut butter cheese crackers. If my co-travelers picked anywhere I didn’t really care to eat, I knew I wouldn’t go hungry.
Here’s what I never considered… there can be such a thing as too much flexibility.
Too much flexibility is when all passengers report that is doesn’t matter to any of them where we stop to eat. Passing three or four exits before someone makes an executive decision on where to stop for food is the result of too much flexibility.
There is also something I’ve affectionately named pseudo-flexibility. Pseudo-flexibility kicks in when, after the executive restaurant decision has been made, quiet whispered grumblings begin to surface.
None of this bothered me, because I was prepared!
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility 120
The GPS lady and me.
I’d never worked with the GPS lady before. I liked the concept, and she seemed efficient enough. She was constantly busy evaluating and reevaluating our route as needed. She chatted about mileage to exits, and which lane was best to be in. But, just about the time we got to Nashville, Tennessee, she and I began to disagree. I didn’t see any good reason to drag ourselves through the downtown Nashville loop, so I took the bypass. Guess who’s totally not flexible! The GPS lady! She really does not flex well. She recalculated, tried redirecting, and just kept telling me that I was off course. Eventually, we matched back up with her route, and she finally piped down.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:14 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility 150
Accomodations.
Back at our orientation meeting, there was a suggestion that we stop at Loucon Methodist Camp in Kentucky. They offer really reasonable accommodations for mission groups. This is a beautiful Methodist camp center with bunkhouse facilities. Note the use of the word “Bunk". The bunk beds seemed to be designed more for the Girl Scout set than the women missionary set. There were only top bunks when our group arrived. So, I accepted the opportunity to demonstrate my new found flexibilities. I just pulled one of the top mattresses down to the floor, dragged it to a corner, and claimed my space. I figured that I’d be sleeping on the floor for the next week anyway, so I might as well start then. I had passed another flexibility test!
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:12 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility 200
Arriving in New Orleans (sort of).
Things were going well. We were running according to schedule, making progress towards our destination. We heard there was a certain bridge we needed to cross that would be closing down for the evening at 8:00 pm. But, we had plenty of time to reach that bridge.
Apparently, the GPS lady was still a little ticked at my Nashville bypass driving, because she really messed with us in Louisiana. We faithfully followed her directions. Even when we ended up on streets with potholes large enough to hide elephants. Even though we ended up on streets with no street lights, with no signs of commerce or any type of life at all. Even though we ended up driving right into the middle of what seemed like an industrial water plant. Even when the street became very narrow, twisting and turning. We followed her to the end… literally.
There simply wasn’t any more road. Just a pier and water. And we had no map. After a few phone calls, and some investigation, it was discovered that we were parked on a pier facing an incoming commuter barge that would take us to exactly where we needed to go. That turned in to a great deal of fun.
However, I made a not-so-mental note to myself. I wrote it in big capital letters in my journal: Next time I participate on a driving mission trip, I’ll be sure to call AAA for a Triptik, or two, or ten.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:10 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility 250
Designing my own flexibility.
The first work day was brutal. Torrential rains, high humidity, hard hats, gloves, goggles, work boots, long pants, no running water, no electricity. I read that someone in our group had described that day as one where walking to the car would break a sweat.
I took to heart another piece of Eric Miller’s repeated advice; if you need a break – take one. I took a lot of breaks that first day. So much so, that at one point one concerned volunteer asked if they should try to get me a ride back to the church. I guess I didn’t look like I was going to make it through the day. I didn’t feel like it either.
So, I came up with a plan. I decided that I would rather volunteer to stay behind the next day and do everyone’s laundry, just so long as I didn’t have to go back out to that home site.
But, strangely enough, the next morning came around, and I was ready to go. I told myself that I could at least try to make it through half a day, I’d be ok. And then halfway through the day, I came up with another plan. I would volunteer to stay behind and help the cooks the next day. But, I also convinced myself that I could finish the day’s work at the site.
This little self-tricking flexibility routine went on inside my head every day. I am proud to say that I made it through every work day and never did quit.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:09 PM | Comments (0)
Advanced Flexibility 300
Course Requirements:
At some point you will simply stop blowing up your air mattress each night before you sleep, because by the morning it will be deflated anyway and in the end you are really sleeping on the floor.
At some point it becomes a luxury to take a COLD shower just to cool down.
At some point a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than any type of meat sandwich when it comes to refrigeration requirements, potential sogginess and the smoosh-factor.
At some point you will consider skipping dinner because you are too tired to lift a fork to your mouth.
At some point you will realize that you will have to walk away from this trip, and that no amount of kicking or screaming denial is going to prevent you from returning to your “normal" world.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:08 PM | Comments (0)
Graduate Level Flexibility 400 A
The Art of Flex Restraint
The return trip wasn’t nearly as challenging as the going trip. Most everyone was passed out and wherever we stopped, we all trudged like tired travelers into whatever restaurant we landed at. And we were happy. We were headed back to Loucon to bunk it out for one more night, and then finish our driving Sunday. It was dark this time as we neared the camp. But we had the GPS lady & we knew she knew where to go.
The trouble started about 8 miles from the camp and lasted almost 45 minutes. Must have been the Kentucky air, but the GPS lady went looney again. “In 200 feet, take a left." Ok, easy enough.
No sooner did I make the turn than she smugly announced “Off course! Redirecting… In 300 feet take a right."
Um, ok. Did that… “Off course! Redirecting… In one mile turn left."
I quickly punched the odometer. We weren’t going to get lost on my driving shift!
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:07 PM | Comments (0)
Graduate Level Flexibility 400 B
The Art of Flex Restraint: Part 2
I took the left. “Off Course! Redirecting… at the end of the road turn right."
At 12:30 am, at the end of a dirt road, amongst sleeping cows as far as the eye could see, in the near pitch black of a Kentucky night, I know I passed this part of the course with flying colors. Simply because I did not flex my left arm and toss the GPS lady out of the van. Eventually we found the camp.
It looked like we were the last to arrive. Sleeping quarters were in shortage, but Pastor Alice managed to find an empty cabin. As it turned out, we were not the last group to arrive. There was one more group after us, the leadership group and that cabin was meant for them. I heard they had some trouble with their GPS lady, too. Talk about flexibility! That last group flexed in a huge way. They slept in their vehicle.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:06 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility Degree Expectations
What Should You Expect?
Your mission trip will be nothing like my mission trip.
The logistics may be similar, some of the people may be the same, the type of work to be done will likely be the same. But what you take away from the experience will be completely personal. I’m not going to guarantee that your life will change as dramatically as mine has.
But you do have to believe anyone who tells you that you will change.
For more information and to see photos visit: www.getinthecar.org
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:05 PM | Comments (0)
Flexibility Conclusions
So here’s the deal: Out of all the emergency supplies I brought with me, I used:
The first aid box:
On the very first day of demolition, within 10 minutes of arriving at the work site, I grabbed a piece of drywall to haul out to the curb and promptly impaled my left palm with a rusty nail. Since we had no running water, I took advantage of the torrential down-pouring of rain to rinse off the wound. I massaged hand sanitizer into my palm, dried it off with gauze, used antibiotic and a band aid.
Later that evening, around 11:00pm, just as I was about to drift off into peaceful oblivion, our GITC EMT demanded to see my hand. She said I did a great job, and that it looked good.
V8 juice:
There was another diabetic on our demolition site who had a sudden low blood sugar one afternoon. Thankfully, one mini can of V8 juice and a few minutes rest brought him back to his energetic self. This was ok because- yeah - I carried two cans with me everywhere I went.
Canned fruit:
There was no roaming about for a midnight snack when I would wake up hungry at 1:00 am. The kitchen was closed after dinner, anyway. I simply grabbed a can of fruit and sat cross legged in the hall enjoying my treat by flashlight. Sometimes, the other late-night stumblers looked at me inquisitively. I always offered them canned fruit, too.
Extra socks:
Torrential rain, high humidity, rust stains from the grommets in my work boots caused by wet drywall mud, rain, sweating…. This is why I needed extra socks. This is why some of my socks never made it home.
Extra work gloves:
1st travel day: October 6, 2007. Before we even hit the main departure point in Marshall, Michigan, one of the Chelsea volunteers mentioned that he had forgotten his work gloves. Problem solved!
Two Hammers:
I didn’t break one after all, but the extra one got put to good use as another volunteer and I moved through the house removing nails from the studs.
Kleenex:
I did a lot of crying; on the departure date, on the ride down, at the “healing" ceremony, at the end of the trip, and for some reason every day around 2:30 pm. Coincidentally, that was about the time I would come up with a plan for staying behind the next day. I inspired others to cry as well. Good thing I always had packets of tissues on me.
Power Strip:
At first, it was just used for plugging in cell phones to charge. On the second night, it began its daily ritual of supplying power to air mattress inflation devices. On the third work day, I was handed the trip video camera, and told to film whatever I wanted. Good thing I had somewhere to plug the camera, and the extra battery packs in to charge. On the fourth day the strip added powering up digital cameras to its list of uses.
800 #’s for all major airlines:
Not used! But, still, I think it was a really good idea. If nothing else, it gave me a good enough sense of security, that it made stepping into the complete unknown a little less frightening.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:04 PM | Comments (0)
Flexing into the Future
Thank you so much for letting me share this journey with you. I’m looking forward to going back to New Orleans again in March, if at all possible. It just depends on a few things.
In the meantime, GITC has committed to an exciting project. Next October, and then some, Get In The Car is planning an event called “7 over 7?. This group will lead 7 teams, over 7 weeks, working on one house from start to finish. They will take the home all the way from demolition to handing the homeowner new house keys. I am optimistically planning to travel to New Orleans for two weeks during this period. I’m aiming for the 1st week, since demolition was so much fun, and one of the later weeks, as well.
For me, this is really something to look forward to. One of my biggest frustrations came from not being able to see a completed project by the time we left New Orleans. All 49 volunteers worked hard and accomplished their assignments, but not one house was completely finished. Amazingly, there continues to be a revolution of volunteers going into New Orleans. When one or two groups need to leave, another one or two groups are scheduled to show up and take up where the earlier groups left off.
If you would like to help me and the GITC team reach their “7 over 7? budget goals, please consider my “Change for the Life of New Orleans? drive. I have a small can on my desk ready to accept your Pennies from Heaven.
If you prefer, you may also make a direct donation to GITC c/o New Hope Church, 53245 Van Dyke, Shelby Township, MI 48316. If you would like a receipt for tax purposes, just let them know. Log onto http://www.getinthecar.org for more information, photos, and to find out about the GITC Traveling Tool Trailer Program.
Thanks again for your support.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2008
Keeping Me Alone
Such a strange disappointment
A rejected proposal
An erroneous connection
Feels like polar opposites
Are keeping us apart
Trying not to worry
Believing that something
Better will come.
It's hard and sad
And keeping me alone
Leaving me open
For other opportunities.
Ones I may not want.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:31 PM | Comments (0)
January 03, 2008
Dear Henry Rollins, January 3, 2008
Dear Henry Rollins,
I don’t normally write letters to iconic individuals such as your self. And, no, I am not mocking you. I have been a fan since my early years in the music industry in Manhattan. I’ve admired everything you’ve ever stood for, your boldness, and your uncompromising opinions. Most impressive was an accidental viewing of the Uncut in Israel gig on Fuse just a few days ago. I’ve been enjoying my come-lately discovery of The Henry Rollins show. Satire and seriousness; brilliant stuff. But, with complete sincerity, I just have to know, don’t you ever want look for the good side?
Sure, the whole Beckham hoopla was annoying. But, hey, if he gets a couple fat American kids off the couch and heading towards either a field goal or personal goal, I say, more power to him.
No, one song does not an artist or a man make, but take a listen to Toby Keith’s recording of “Love Me If You Can”. It didn’t get much red-neck airplay, and there are a couple of good reasons why.
I’m glad you found a positive way to channel your rage and outrages. When you’re out there in the hospitals, visiting the war wounded, would you try to memorize just one nameless, faceless volunteer that actually makes the joint every day?
Would you believe that there are people who make a modest (or less than modest) living, and yet have spent their vacation time over the past two years traveling to New Orleans at their own expense to help a city still trying to rebuild? It’s true. Check it out. www.getinthecar.org.
You know, what Mr. Rollins? You are who you are. That’s fantastic. That’s why I respect you. That’s how you inspire me. If you ever do decide to try the brighter side, there’d no need to advertise that to the world. I’d be happy keep that secret for you, plus I’d probably sleep a little better at night.
Peace and blessings.
Posted by jaselin at 01:56 AM | Comments (0)
January 02, 2008
Patching
Although the doubt comes and goes
It changes me every time
I'm always patching cracks
Stabilizing fears, covering up sadness
Afraid that my dreams might be
Interpreted as madness
I've pictured it a hundred times
Imagined how it should be
I know I'll be disappointed
If this ever comes to be
So, I'm happier now that I can see
The gulf is growing and that's how
it should be
There can't be a rewind
There's nothing that can change
The gap of time between us
And still sometimes I strain
To understand why I feel this way
When you are what I want.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:32 PM | Comments (0)