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February 25, 2008
The Subtle Start
On October 1, 2006, my husband passed away. As I was approaching the first anniversary of Jeff’s death, I began to get more and more stressed. I felt like I was speeding toward a brick wall at 200 mph and knew darn well that nothing was going to keep me from slamming in to it.
Standing in the coffee hour line after church one Sunday, another widow friend of mine asked what I had planned to help myself cope during that anniversary. I told her I had planned to take that week off from work. I knew I was already having trouble keeping it together, and I pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near work.
Jan then asked me which week it was I was taking. “The 1st through the 6th of October," I answered. “Oh!" she exclaimed, “You have the wrong week off!" I was pretty sure I had those dates right. Jeff passed away on the 1st and his funeral was held on the 6th. October 6th would have also been our 5th wedding anniversary.
Jan went on to explain how she and her son were planning to travel to New Orleans on a recovery/rebuilding trip from October 6th through October 14th. She suggested I travel with them. I did not hesitate to quickly, and emphatically, decline. I couldn’t take two weeks off from work. I didn’t want to be away from home. It just wasn’t going to happen. I wiped it from my mind.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 01:05 PM | Comments (0)
Monday "Alive"
Monday’s work day came and went normally.
I had been reading Stephen Baldwin’s “The Unusual Suspect‿ in my normal fashion; just a few pages at a time. So, when Monday evening came around, I grabbed my book and my tea, and prepared to pick up where I had left off the night before.
The sub-chapter title was “Alive". It recounted how Hurricane Katrina had coincided with his reading of Mark 13, and how the author knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be in his journey of reading the bible.
Interesting, I thought. Maybe I am supposed to be reading this chapter in his book right now.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 01:03 PM | Comments (0)
Tuesday "Guideposts"
Tuesday was just a frustrating day at work.
When lunch time came around, I grabbed my lunch bag and locked my office door. Over the weekend, I had finally gotten around to sorting out the many magazines that had piled up, and had thrown one into my bag, just in case I needed some inspiration. I definitely felt I was in need of some grounding, so I pulled out the August 2007 issue of Guideposts, and opened it to a random page.
Page 49 revealed a story about a couple who had particpated on a recovery/rebuilding trip to New Orleans, and the effect the trip had on their lives. The story was based on events that had occurred an entire year earlier; one year after Hurricane Katrina hit.
Interesting, I thought. It’s now been two years, and there is still work to do.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 01:01 PM | Comments (0)
After Taste
Cinnamon and spice
Tingling my tongue
After the warmth has been swallowed
Your memory is like that;
Each one leaving
Another little nerve exposed
I know it’s not likely
That we will ever be
More than a memory
For each other
Warm and swallowed
Taken in, tingling the senses
With a sense of
What we have missed.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:44 PM | Comments (0)
February 24, 2008
Wednesday "Trucks"
Wednesday, I decided not to get on the treadmill.
I had ambitiously bumped up both the speed and the incline on Tuesday night, and had spent most of Wednesday waddling around like a penguin. So, I grabbed the TV remotes and decided it was a good time to go through the DVR programming my husband had created. I began deleting many recorded episodes of programs I would probably never watch. Jeff was a knowledge sponge. He recorded programs like Forensic Files, How It’s Made, and pretty much the entire History, Discovery and National Geographic channel line ups.
Towards the end of my deleting frenzy, I came across about 10 episodes of a show called Trick My Truck. As I scrolled through the information blurbs, I came across a show description about a pair of grandparents who wanted to include their grandchildren in their trucking life. That sounded rather harmless and happy, so I hit the play button.
After the intro and a few commercials, the theme of the show was revealed. I immediately hit the stop button, went back to the description and read again about the grandparents. However, when I hit play once more, the same story came up about a trucker from New Orleans who helped many Katrina victims in his neighborhood and city.
Ok, I thought, what is going on? I decided to send Jan an email asking her to send me the information for the mission trip
jak
Posted by jaselin at 01:18 PM | Comments (0)
Thursday "Paperwork"
On Thursday, the information I received back was well planned, included insurance, and started making sense to me.
Uh, oh, I thought. How am I going to work this out? They’ll never let me take two weeks off from work. Am I even stable enough to consider doing this? What will Jeff’s family think if I’m not here to go through the one-year mark with them? What will my family think?
I printed the forms. I even filled them out, and then put them aside. During my 45 minutes on the treadmill, I managed to talk myself out of it again.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 11:00 AM | Comments (0)
Friday "Early Morning"
I woke up about 2:30 am Friday morning, wide-eyed, just sitting upright in bed.
I made a cup of tea, plodded to the den, flipped the tv on again, and this time I landed on Food Network. Just in time to catch the last part of a show called Road Tasted.
This show features brothers Jamie and Bobby Deen traveling throughout the US, visiting locally owned restaurants and shops. For this episode, they were in New Orleans.
Ok, I thought, now this is getting too weird. I grabbed my note pad, and jotted down all the events that had occurred since Jan told me about the trip.
I looked them over and thought, interesting. Why am I being bombarded with information about New Orleans?
jak
Posted by jaselin at 10:50 AM | Comments (0)
Friday "Mid-Day"
Friday, I asked my coworker how it would affect her if I were to take two weeks off.
She seemed shocked, and came close to tears. She had made plans for that second week in October to visit with her sisters in Iowa. They hadn't been together in nearly eight years, since their father passed away.
I quickly said it was ok, and probably for the best that I didn’t go anyway. What had I been thinking? I felt horrible and had created an awkward tension between us.
Later on in the day, Linda approached me and said that I should go if I wanted to. I felt the wheels really starting to roll now, but for some reason, I wasn’t so worried about being in control. I copied the filled-out forms and put them in an envelope to mail on Saturday.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 10:45 AM | Comments (0)
Saturday "Smacked"
Saturday, my older brother Greg arrived from Massachusetts to visit with me for the weekend.
We hadn’t been able to spend any time together since Jeff passed away, and we were both needing that one-on-one time. I thought I’d try to explain the trip and my experiences to him before I mailed out those forms. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be talked out of going or not.
Greg arrived with a National Geographic magazine that he finished on his trip over. He immediately began to explain to me the importance of restructuring the wetlands around the Gulf Coast and New Orleans to act as a natural buffer between water storms and inland areas.
It was at this point, I had to finally consider myself thoroughly God-smacked. I finally got the message. There was no doubt I was going to New Orleans in October.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 10:40 AM | Comments (0)
Change of Plans "Alone"
Then something bad happened.
My friend Jan’s son, a roofer, fell off a roof he was working on. He only damaged one ankle – which was a real blessing considering what could have been. However, that meant he and Jan were no longer going to New Orleans. If I were going to make this trip, I would be completely on my own. At that point, I figured why not? I’d already been doing everything alone for a year, anyway.
So, I actually went ahead and made that trip, along with 48 other volunteers from all over Michigan. I didn’t know anyone else, and I was looking forward to being with a group of people who knew nothing about me. I was running away from the past year, hoping to help heal New Orleans, and perhaps heal a little part of me, as well.
It wasn’t long before I started to share my story with these awesome caring people. For nine days, I was constantly surrounded by love and concern. Not pity. Not “it’s time to stop talking about the past, and get on with your life." Not “When are you going to stop wearing your wedding ring?" I cried when I had to, and they let me.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 10:30 AM | Comments (0)
First Assignment "Demolition"
The first home I worked on was a demolition assignment.
The house had not been worked on much in two years. We went through personal belongings, met our home owner’s daughters, cried with them, and removed everything from the house.
In hot, humid, rainy weather, with no running water and no electricity at our site, we cleaned that place out entirely. There was nothing left of it except for the brick exterior and the framing. It took our mini-crew of 5 volunteers, only three days to accomplish the clean-out.
After that, we were reassigned to a drywall team at another home.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 09:45 AM | Comments (0)
Second Assignment "Drywall"
At the second assignment, I got to “tour? a FEMA trailer.
Stand in one place, stretch out your arms, and pivot. Then, imagine living in a space like that for 2 years, in the front yard of what once was your home.
By the time our crew left that site, we had all the insulation and about ½ of the sheetrock walls and ceilings installed, mudded, and taped. It was painful to leave the job unfinished, but we were told that another volunteer crew was on their way. On Monday they would take up where we left off.
By the time we left the work site on Friday night at 5:30 pm, our home owner was able to walk through his home smiling. When it was time to leave Louisiana and head for home, one of my co-volunteers told me that many people had noticed that I was smiling more, too.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 09:35 AM | Comments (0)
Why Thank You Isn't Enough
You might have been skeptical;
you could have just humoured me.
But instead, you blessed me,
encouraged me, supported me.
You contributed to gas money,
or food money, or prayed
for me and for all the volunteers.
I took you with me in my heart.
I left a lot of "me" down there.
You've changed me.
I will never be the same.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 09:15 AM | Comments (0)
Demolition Versus Drywall
My intent was to be supportive. Participate in kitchen duty, give smiles of encouragement.
So I was not prepared (gasp!) when Pastor Alice said she was glad to see me and that I would be expected to speak as part of the North Lake United Methodist Church of Chelsea Michigan mission team during the 10:45 am service.
I accepted the challenge, though I knew I really had no choice in the matter. I also had no idea what I would say. I thought about telling the congregation how, for this team, their mission work began before we even left the NLUMC parking lot. How arriving early and seeing no one, I had not been sure I was in the right place.
Finally, I did see someone. I rolled down my window and asked, “You wouldn’t happen to be Pastor Alice, would you? She nodded “yes." We had connected via phone messages, but had not ever spoken to each other, so I was surprised when I introduced myself and she threw her arms around me in a welcoming hug. I knew then that I was in the right place.
Standing there on the podium at NLC with their mission team, Marilyn, Dave, Mary Jane and Pastor Alice, my knees were knocking, I was already feeling the tears starting to come.
When it was Mary Jane’s turn to speak, she told how she had been hesitant to make the trip because she had no construction skills to offer, but was assured that her presence would be a blessing. Mary Jane’s son had helped to secure a van from Palmer Ford in Chelsea. It was quite a donation of heart. The catch was that Mary Jane had been asked to remain with the van all the while it was in use. That is when she said something that would change my life, again. She told how, having no construction skills, she had been assigned to the demolition team. However, since she needed to stay with the van, she had been moved to a dry wall team.
My only semi-skill was in the limited experience I had with drywall through Habitat for Humanity. I had checked the box on the skills assessment that indicated I had some experience with drywall but still needed firm direction. I was a little disappointed when I found out that I had been assigned to the demolition team. Reason told me that there were probably volunteers with way more experience than I had, and that is why I had been given my demolition assignment. I learned a tremendous amount about myself at that site. I made some deep friendships, and found a “family" I belonged to.
So, standing up there on Sunday morning, in front of a congregation of unfamiliar faces, yet surrounded by four amazing friends, I realized that once again, my time in New Orleans had been directed by a higher power. God had put me where I needed to be, and not where I thought I was needed.
When it came my turn to speak, I had the anticipated trouble of keeping my voice steady. A Kleenex came down the line to me as I told the story of Pastor Alice and the parking lot hug. I shared with the congregation how this particular group, unbeknownst to them, was actually on two missions that week. One for the work that they did in New Orleans, and one for the work they did on me during the trip down and back.
I asked Mary Jane to also thank her son for me. For confirming what I know to be truths. There is nothing in this life that does not happen for a very specific reason, and nothing in this life is ever a coincidence.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 09:14 AM | Comments (0)
February 20, 2008
Ramen Noodles Are Harder to Eat Sober
Fact or fiction? Ramen Noodles are much harder to eat sober.
Fact. I think. Umm… from what I can recall. I discovered Ramen Noodles after college. Right after I got my first low paying, but highly glamorous job in New York City. I rediscovered them a few years ago, when my grandmother-in-law developed digestive problems. All she would eat was Ramen Noodles. Anyway, the smell of micro-waved rehydrated noodles led me on a nice trip down memory lane, remembering my much poorer days. Plus, at the time, they suited our budget rather nicely.
I was going through the cookbook cabinet, aka Jeff’s leisure library, and discovered a little gem of a treasure called 101 Things To Do With Ramen Noodles. With a book like that in my possession, I felt compelled to buy a case of the pre-packaged little cuties in a variety of intriguing flavors such as, Chili Lime Shrimp, Chinese Mushroom, and Creamy Chicken. Who knew they were such a gourmet item?
I haven’t made anything from the cook book, yet. Ok. I haven’t actually read the cook book, yet. But I did throw a couple of those convenient bundles into my desk drawer at work. Just in case I ever forgot to bring my lunch one day. (Reference: NOLA Flexibility)
I didn’t forget my lunch today. I was, however, completely unsatisfied with the salad I prepared and reluctantly ate. So, around 2:00 pm, I decided to cook up some happy noodles. I ceremoniously cracked the brick of noodles into smaller chunks. I don’t think it really makes them cook any faster, but it is an effective aggression reliever. I emptied half of the flavor packet into my bowl as well. I never use the whole packet…watching my sodium, right?
Apparently, Ramen Noodles are a multi-cultural phenomenon, as well as being quite the conversation piece. Everybody has an opinion on them. Seriously, in the 20 feet from my office door to the kitchen microwave, I encountered three people who not only recognized the naked ingredients in my bowl, but also had some smart thing to say.
First comment: “Oh, Ramen Noodles! You’d get along with my daughter!?
My reply: “Oh? She’s broke, too??
Second comment: “Oh, Ramen Noodles! Choice of college students everywhere.?
My reply: “Yeah, and poor University employees, too.?
Third comment: “Oh, Ramen Noodles! Short on cash this month??
My reply: “Nope! These are gourmet dried noodles transported all the way from Irvine, California with a delicate balance of spices and herbs specifically chosen for their medicinal and digestive values, and designed to provide complete comfort and satisfaction while also lowering blood pressure and making you smarter.? (Maybe I should have lowered my aggression ratio by breaking more noodles.)
Me and my tasty treat finally made it back to the office, where I vainly attempted to eat/twirl/slurp/drink the concoction without splattering little drops of soupy stuff all over the payroll reports. I was very unsuccessful. I ended up with little splats of pale brown-colored artificial goodness all over my desk! I didn’t remember having that much of a problem eating them in my much younger and slightly wilder days.
Which is, finally, how I arrived at the title conclusion:
Ramen Noodles are harder to eat sober.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 04:31 PM | Comments (1)
February 15, 2008
Testing the Blog World
Well, here goes nothing, really. Just a first attempt at blogging. Wondering how I can create a serial humor column that builds upon itself without taking too many thin branches. What we need is wit and happiness. Can we get that from this thing? Let's try, and see what happens...
Posted by jaselin at 04:32 PM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2008
Swamp Scum, February 14, 2008
Dear XXXXX,
Thank you for your phone call yesterday. I do apologize, though.
I truly though when Jeff passed away, that I had contacted all of our Michigan Hot Sauce Club store vendors. Even though our conversation was brief, you really saved the day for me. Hearing how much you enjoyed talking with Jeff and your very accurate impression of him as an always happy, upbeat guy, was right on.
I remember when Hurricane Katrina hit, and he tried diligently for a few weeks to get a hold of you. He was relieved that you were ok, and mentioned some warehouse damage to me. As we watched reports of the devastation, Jeff was already wishing he could go down to New Orleans and help. Unfortunately, his health was already failing, and we knew that it was not a realistic goal.
Michigan Hot Sauce Club was founded for two main reasons. Jeff was disabled and could no longer work at his job, and the sitting at home was driving him crazy. He had a passion for hot sauce, and I really didn’t give him much choice in the matter. I just announced we were opening a hot sauce store and that was that. Jeff really enjoyed the camaraderie of the hot sauce world. He loved talking to vendors all over the country. He loved manning the store 3 days a week and talking to customers. Swamp Scum was one of our best sellers; a truly phenomenal product. Jeff and I came up with so many great ideas and unique ways to use Swamp Scum. I even made a green chili for a cook-off at work with it. Once folks got over the color, they loved it.
It sometimes still surprises me when I look back on how well things went for us during this difficult time. And it still surprises me, that even though I know God has a greater plan for each of us, how everything ends up connected.
You see, the reason that I am writing to you, is that Jeff was a dreamer. I think in his heart he knew he would never make it to New Orleans to help, but he talked about it often and even encouraged me to go without him. I did not. I was too afraid of leaving him. I wanted to have every second I could with him, because we knew that our time together would be short.
So just in case you are having one of those days where you’re wondering if what you do really matters, I am here to answer “Yes.”
If you had not sent Jeff that first sample box, we wouldn’t have had such a popular item in our store; we wouldn’t have felt that connection to Louisiana. Jeff would not have planted the dream of helping to rebuild New Orleans in my head. And I never would have made that significant healing trip. I don’t take it lightly that you happened to call on Valentine’s Day. It truly brought me joy to hear that you enjoyed speaking with him. I’ve heard from many vendors who only spoke to Jeff on the phone, and some who only knew Jeff from email, and so many of you have said the same thing. That it was always a pleasure to talk to him.
I am hoping to return to New Orleans with the same mission group, Get In The Car. There is a March trip, which I am not sure I can make, but I am really trying. There will also be an October trip, which I am committed to. If you are interested, you can go to www.getinthecar.org to learn more about the group, and to see pictures.
Wishing you continued blessings and great success.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Jodi A. Korte
Posted by jaselin at 01:48 AM | Comments (0)
February 12, 2008
Open Ended
I slipped outside during the final “staging” stage. I wanted to give the real stagers’ space to create their vision. I also wanted to see the finished product alongside our homeowner. I guess I wanted to experience it through her eyes as much as possible.
I know I may have mentioned a time or two why I tend to be quieter these days. After many years of blurting out exactly the wrong thing, I am prone to restraint. Sometimes still, words escape my mouth that I wish I could take back. I don’t really believe that utterances change things, but it is always disappointing when innocent, excitable words come back to me as a stinging slap.
As it got later, I had a nervous conversation with our team leaders. “Suppose she doesn’t make it here today? Suppose we can’t 'close' this project? Wouldn’t it be amazing if GOD left this one open ended?” Where we my thoughts? On the team and the members and how even though this week had awesomely changed some lives, some of us still needed more work to do. Some of us needed another reason to come back. Some of us were still on the brink of un-decision. I thought for some of us, the journey wasn’t as difficult as it should have been. That’s an awfully scary selfish place I sent us to, isn’t it?
We broke more rules. We waited past the NSDR recommended departure time for remote neighborhoods. Yes, there were 9 of us, but I was still nervous. Finally, we had no choice. It became painfully evident that we would not see Miss R. tonight before we left. Most likely, none of us would ever see her again.
At the last minute, instead of walking away, something more amazing happened. We started to wander into the house, one at a time, sometimes in pairs, or threesomes.
In a matter of minutes, we found ourselves gathering in an informal oval-ish group in Miss R's front room.
We blessed Miss R., that her life should be happy and full; that she should find herself quickly back in her house - and that it will be once again become the home she and her family had been missing.
We blessed each other: some outloud, some silently.
We asked for blessing for the finishers, since as it turned out, we were not going to be them.
We locked the doors, lingered sadly, then lumbered slowly, truly walking away open ended.
Posted by jaselin at 07:53 PM | Comments (0)
Cajun Frog Legs
There is something about a final night on a mission trip. More raw feelings, more soul wandering, more needing to connect. Couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk outside. Sat in the memorial garden for a bit.
When I finally decided to go back in, I came across my no longer sickly bunk-next-door mate and the STEM Leader. It looked like there was a lot paperwork going on. My unusually bold self, perhaps needing to connect, sat down and asked the two ladies seated there, “How did you get here? How the week had gone?”
Frustrations, incompleteness, worrying about family problems, dealing with grief and loss: we sure found a lot to talk about. Then, there I was again … pulling out Jeff’s picture and trying to explain the path I had taken. It was hard for me. That’s not changed yet. After reading the memorial, the STEM leader passed it back to me and said, “You should share your story more often - in ministry.”
There was that word again. From a complete stranger. Just at the moment when I feared the tears would roll, another STEM member came through the door with a tree frog. It was a tiny thing, in a paper cup, which apparently the little green guy was opposed to. He bounced out and landed on the round table, demonstrating impressive leaping capabilities.
In an effort to stop the frog from leaping off of the table – one of the ladies put out her arm. The frog interpreted this as an acceptable leaping launch pad. He bounced up her arm quickly, his cold clammy skin causing bubbly laughter. The next jump ricocheted the tiny reptilian off the bottom lip of her startled open mouth.
It all happened so quickly. I think our Cajun hopper went to the floor next, not too sure since I was laughing so hard. I know there were people down there chasing him and that he ended up back in a hand-covered cup, escorted out side. As we watched the retreating frog finding volunteer, the laughter slowed down a bit.
Once I caught my breath something else occurred to me. “Do you realize how close you just came to eating Cajun frog legs?” I asked.
I was also thinking that I wish I had been inclined to begin this conversation earlier.
Why do I always wait until the last minute to share?
Posted by jaselin at 07:52 PM | Comments (0)
Mirroring
Let me clarify. I’m not happy that we didn’t finish. I don’t like being cooped up in a vehicle with a bunch of sulky, tired volunteers with unspoken regrets – even if they are awesome people. It’s just too heavy for me. That's why I chose to drive leaving Aldersgate. I figured there wouldn’t be enough room in my weary brain for both driving and mulling.
There wasn’t much room in some other’s brains either. Out of a back passenger seat came an excited, probably over-caffeinated exclamation, “Look a deer!” Followed briefly by a pause, and a sadder voice, “Nope, it’s just a tractor.”
The further away we get from ourselves, and from our mirrors, the more likely we are to mistake what we see and what really is. We will remember the incompleteness vividly, allowing it to override what we did accomplish. Memories of finished larger projects and handled little tasks will fade away for us more quickly than the relatively small gap we left behind us.
You know how you have to angle a mirror to see the back of your head?
You know how it’s so much harder to comb down a stray piece of hair using one mirror to reflect into another?
It’s tempting to move in direct correlation to how the mirror tells us. Even though our experience and our brain tell us that is not how we will accomplish the task, we try it anyway. Only when it doesn’t work, when we’ve missed our target, do we stop and think, and try again. We move cleverly into using our stored knowledge to go forward. This time we do so without looking, relying on almost instinctive strokes. Then we more confidently recheck our work; using the mirror only to confirm our triumph.
This is how I want this team to remember Slidell:
We know more, we can do more, we are more confident, we are more seasoned, we have stored within us what we need.
Posted by jaselin at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)
Suite Life, KY
Loucon, again. GPS lady problems, again.
"Welcome to the executive cabin..."
The greeting came with the promise of a bonfire and s'mores, as well as a secluded four bedroom cabin. Some bunk rooms had double beds, all had private bathrooms with showers! We could have used the stove, microwave, and dishes to prepare a meal, but we decided to enjoy our take out pizzas on the kitchen table - spending some time writing and signing thank you notes at the request of one team member for her sponsors. An awesome idea that I hope we will use in the future.
A rustic living room with two couches, and numerous chairs overlooked a back porch with a view. There was some amused confusion over the emergency phone on the wall which had a stern note saying not to use it - in case of emergency, Dial 911.
I loved the little box of missionary planning tools cleverly placed on a counter: note paper, pens, rubberbands, paper clips, tape, a few crayons, some business cards from local shops, a few batteries, one mini hand sanitizer, and a deck of cards. It's the sort of thing that I think just happened one day, and people have kept adding to. Sort of like a spill-over kindness, and a very sweet surprise.
Just like the bonfire that was prepared for us, and the s'mores fixings waiting on one of the benches...
Posted by jaselin at 07:48 PM | Comments (0)
No, No, and Yes
Secluded from other campers, the fire was a bit smoky, the night so not chilly, with just enough clouds to make us feel "closed in" outdoors. A beautiful and interesting way to debrief. There was some emotional hiding - I suspect encouraged by being hidden by flames, across the fire, physically away from each other a bit. Mostly we spoke in past tense, way past tense, about the week, the lessons, the love, the learning, our level of commitment.
In the end we paired off again much as we had at the start. The leaders in one room, the sisters in another, the two old friends in another, and the two newer friends in the last.
Would we think @ NOLA so much if we had finished?
Would we keep in touch with each other waiting for the next opportunity to solidify?
Would I want to return so badly that I find when recently asked, I said I am willing to co-lead a team in October 2009?
No, no, and yes.
Posted by jaselin at 07:47 PM | Comments (0)
February 05, 2008
Trying
I can make the competition smile
Appear to be in my eyes
I can make my mouth
Follow the lies,
Serve to the best of my ability
But will it ever be enough?
When are we forgiven?
Every day, every minute?
Why does God keep a list at all?
I hated when you would say
That you were “trying?
I wanted you to stop trying
And just do what needed
To be done
And now it’s me
That every night
Asks for forgiveness
Me who keeps
Having to say
I’m trying
And sometimes I mean it
More than other times
I can make it seem
Like everything is ok now
I can make it seem
Like I understand it all
I really don’t
But I’m trying.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)