jakorte's blog

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I cannot speak to the rumors. I cannot speak to the truth, either. All I can do is offer this glimpse of who she was in my life.

Even if I could have imagined anyone in my life would have been driven to suicide, I would have never have imagined it to be her. I loved her because she so loved life. I am at a loss to even begin to understand what I know nothing of. And I have now, that regret of ignorance.

Ten years ago, I was in Las Vegas on a business trip. She and I shared a hotel room, and her sunny enthusiasm for everything amazed me. I asked her how she did it. She said she just felt that way, didn’t I? I honestly told her, “No. When I go to bed at night, I don’t really care if I wake up in the morning. When I do wake up in the morning, I think, ok, I’ve guess got another day to deal with."

She made me open my wallet, take out my insurance card, and call the Mental Health Hotline listed on the back. I ended up making an appointment to see a counselor when I returned home.

Seeing that counselor is partly how I decided to seek a different route and leave the situation I was in. It’s part of how I got to Michigan, and how I ended up meeting my husband. This friend gave me the gift of a loving life with Jeff, and through him, the gift of knowing the LORD.

I’m a little ticked off right now. I’m not sure if I am brave enough to admit that I am ticked off at GOD, but why couldn’t he have given me the desire to reconnect sooner? I am more than willing to be angry with her and with myself; each for letting the other fade away from the friendship, and myself for what I will now miss.

I feel like I am standing at a familiar door, staring at a well-known lock. I know am holding the correct key, but I don’t have a clue how to use it.

jak