jakorte's blog

I’m not sure how to interpret this change in my faith. Previously, either constant or non-existent, now I’m just bouncing around. Not even daily: more like hourly. I almost prefer not to be in faith than this constant yo-yoing. It’s always been tiring to have to work at re-inspiring myself. But, this situation is leaving me exhausted, and nearly shut-down.

The dishes are piling up; the chores list is getting longer. I have things to do, and a list to track my progress. It’s the only way I get the little things done. Like mail a card, or file papers, or update my blog-book.

I keep making plans. I don’t know if that qualifies as optimism or fatalism. Clear out the laundry room closet, the linen closet, the tool closet, the tool chest from the shed, the guest room shelves, the guest room closet, price out the DE collection, organize and thin-out pots and pans, outline ME newsletters, devise format and plans for Monthly Tech newsletter, have my teeth work finished, keep up the treadmill, make a few pairs of pants, work on jewelry project, finish the cathedral windows quilt, read the dozens of books lying around the house, shop for a used car, look for a condo.

I missed the UM Gift of Arts deadline again this year. That was disappointing. I had some great ideas. I guess I can add that to my list of things to do over next winter. Never did get my salsa garden started. I suppose I could still do that if I got over to the garden center this week-end. I don’t know, though. It seems like it would just be another thing to keep track of, another chore to do.

Maybe I’m just tired of having to keep pushing myself. I want to simplify, but I don’t want to give anything up. I want less stuff, less space, and more newness. I contradict myself daily, hourly, and from minute to minute. I’m guess I’m not handling 45 well. Loved 40, but now 45 is halfway to 50 – say, what??? Mid-life crisis? Pre-life crisis?

I’m not giving up, but to borrow from Lifehouse:

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm still holding,
I'm holding on, I’m still holding,
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

So I'm still holding
I'm still holding
I’m still holding on to you.
I'm barely holdin' on to you