jakorte's blog

It was hard to make that phone call back to Michigan from Kentucky because I was unfortunate enough to have time to think about it, and rationalize it. Or de-rationalize it.

There was so much more I wanted to talk about, a year’s worth of thoughts and praises, but couldn’t. Instead I said, “I don’t usually accost acquaintances with requests to minister to friends. I just feel like this person needs to be given the opportunity to fall apart.”

I said it wasn’t easy to make that phone contact. I constantly get called on my tendency to qualify statements. I am always preparing mentally, and verbally, for the opposite of my desire. To lessen the disappointment when it occurs, so I am able to say I wasn’t surprised. So I have an excuse when I am wrong. So I can say, “See? It’s not me the LORD is trying to use.”

I can discount the pressure, the being moved, watching myself task against nature; boldly, incredulously. Leaving me shaking, literally, caught between desiring tears and not wanting them, yet. There’s the qualifier, again.