February 10, 2009
Dear family and friends, and those few coworkers I’ve entrusted with this blog address:
Please note, so there is no mistake: I am not a social toileter.
Ok, except for that one time in Georgia (or maybe was it Alabama) that I was forced to use a public latrine without sectional doors. Unfortunately, I was seated in the second stall from the door, and felt compulsed to greet each new entry. Hi, hi, hi. No one in their right mind would have taken the first one. That would have required a more formal greeter protocol. I couldn’t have handled that level of multitasking.
Anyway, here are my rules for anti-social toileting:
Do not ask me questions through the bathroom door. I have multitasking issues.
Do not follow me into the bathroom to ask me a question. I will not stop and take the time to answer it because there was a reason I was headed in there in the first place.
Do not tell me random facts through the bathroom door. I can catch up on those anytime, and if your brain can’t hold it for 30 seconds it couldn’t have been that fascinating to begin with.
Do not tell me anything you believe could make me angry, because delaying my instinctive throttling response only escalates it.
Do not tell me anything that is going to scare the crap out of me.
Unless I’m constipated, then by all means, go ahead.
Do not ask if I am done yet, as that will only delay the process.
Do not attempt to pass the phone under the door, or even suggest to callers that I will speak to them when I am otherwise seriously occupied.
Do not open the door, throw the cat or dog in and say, “I’m leaving now,” or you’ll find yourself in that same spot later probably somewhere around 3:00 am when I interrupt your pleasant dreams by tossing a cat or a dog onto the bed with you, adding the déjà vu phrase, “I’m leaving now.”
Do not talk on your cell phone in a public bathroom. I either get stage fright, or I’m reluctant to flush for fear of offending your caller.
Do not let your children peer under the divider at me, no matter how interesting my shoes are.
Do not discuss the movie’s details or the ending, because chances are I’m there to see that film. Or you can take that risk of being next in line after I remove the last roll of toilet paper from that stall. I love surprise endings.
Do not engage in any activity that will cause stoppage, because stoppage leads to bladder infections, which tend to make me really cranky. Yeah, ok, "crankier"...whatever.
Posted by jaselin at February 10, 2009 08:20 AM