jakorte's blog

Have you ever been on the receiving end of charity?
Me neither, until now.

There was a NOLA construction team who worked at a site where the homeowners were living on their front lawn in a FEMA trailer. They never once came out to meet the workers. In fact, they positioned themselves so there would be absolutely no contact with anyone working on their home.

I couldn’t imagine how that could be. But now, I hurt.

I cringe at the gentleness in voices; I lower my eyes so I won’t see the pity.
I hide my heart because it is so obviously broken, I’m afraid someone will try to fix that too.
I’ve lived with it so long now though, it’s familiar; it’s mine.
The one thing I own in this life is my pain.

I’m embarrassed that other people consider me poor.
Embarrassed over my inadequacy to provide for myself.
Embarrassed by my inability to solve my own problems responsibly, by myself.
Embarrassed to be the receiver instead of the giver.
Seeing myself in a new way in a new type of mirror;
Uncomfortable, panicked, heartbroken, embarrassed.

I don’t want to accept what is offered, but I desperately need to.
I cannot reciprocate; I have nothing to give in return.
I won’t hinder compassion; I won’t deny the desire.
I’ll keep my distance; outside the circle
Watching you bloom; for the price of my pride.