jakorte's blog

I don’t know why I ever bother saying, “No.”

Especially, when it comes to my usual emphatic impartation, because it seems those situations I am diametrically opposed to are the ones I always surrender to. Well, not exactly surrender… maybe more like end up being funneled into a narrowing space, and then finally GOD-pushed directly into my refusal.

It is entirely possible, as I’ve mentioned before, that I am interpreting strong feelings as negatives instead of positives. Maybe the racing heart jaw clenching is merely anticipation of change, and not a herald of fear. Perhaps just the strength of my reaction confuses me.

There are two things I have repeatedly said “no” to. One of which, most of you are aware, and one I’ve barely shared with my own soul. I’m not ready to talk about the second one yet, but the first needs immediate address.

I acknowledge unashamedly that I have absolutely and repeatedly said I’d never allow myself to be put into a position of leading a mission team to New Orleans, or anywhere else for that matter. And when it comes right down to it, I haven’t – allowed myself – that is. It simply isn’t a question of “allowing” anything when you find yourself railroaded into what seems like your perfect objection.

Still protesting, even after I have uttered “yes,” I write a note I never intended to really send, until now:

“I know that you think you are pulling me in for my own good.
But that is not my calling – to be in the thick of it.

I’m more comfortable as a peripheral presence. There, I find myself more focused on support - on a more personal level. What I learn from you is more important than what could ever be learned from me. Because I can turn that around, and make you face it. Sort of like a mirror bouncing the truth back at you, showing you yourself in a way you cannot dodge - without judgment, without repair, and probably not without tears.

To stand with you in the center of the storm, means neither one of us has a clue where it might be going. Since this isn’t my storm, I will step back. I can’t hope to change its magnitude; I will pray to influence its path. Steering with these words and others, I continually ask GOD to raise you up so that you know you are worthy.”

Perhaps my lesson in this is to stop saying “no,” and say something more like “not just yet, or “maybe.”

In this issue: Diametrically Opposed aka Antipodal, Turning Someday Into Today, GITC 8 October 2009.