jakorte's blog

Dear WPA:

You know those little heart plugs you self-install? The ones that must be stable and permanent and fail-safe because you put them there so very long ago and they’ve stayed in place so far?

Well, y’all yanked one out.

The catalyst: a song whose title I don’t know. It was one of those weird, “have you been shadowing my life in your dreams?” moments. It may very well have something to do with the fact that I have been surrounding myself with people who don’t know much about me.

In fact, for the first time in the 3 years since my husband’s death, I held a dinner party in my home. It was deliberately the day after Thanksgiving, because I chose to spend Thanksgiving alone this year. I only invited my new friends, because, well, you sort of end up falling away from the couples you shared your married life with when you become only one and a constant reminder that someone else is missing.

Before my visitors arrived, I methodically went through the house removing certain pictures from the walls, moving gold records to rooms not likey to be visited, consciously tucking parts of my life away. Otherwise, I’d have to explain, and they don’t really know how broken I am.

Can I u-turn my life? I’ve done it before. Right now I’m ten years past Nashville, and none of this is really your concern. And it’s not at all the point I was aiming for when I began this mid-night, post Ann Arbor Ark show ramble.

Even though I’m hurting with the self-divined knifing knowledge that I am still broken no matter how successfully I’ve managed to hide it, I wanted you to know that you were so absolutely right when you said you were in the right place.

Congratulations on taking charge of your own destiny, doing it yourself, and surging through life’s uncertain surf; and a heartfelt thank you for sharing your gifts.

I’m thanking GOD for that, and for you.