June 08, 2010
Misnomered, ME Newsletter, Vol. 3, Issue 23
You know what? Packing is more painful than I thought it would be.
I spent most of the day the purchase payment for my house credited to my bank account in a weepy state. At first I thought maybe it was because the opportunity to back out had receded. Not that I ever wanted to back out. I really need this move. However, I’m not entirely ready for it, either.
I guess this is the appropriate time to interject my apologies to anyone I may have offended due to being starchily offended by rote comments regarding the changes I have chosen to pursue. I have repeatedly been offered the following misnomers for my actions:
“You’re making a brand new start.”
“You’re getting on with your life.”
“It’s what Jeff would have wanted.”
It’s not possible to start over, but it is possible to continue on in a more “healthy” manner.
I’m not getting on with my life – I’ve been living in the present since the day my past died.
It is not at all what Jeff would have wanted – he would have wanted to be here doing this with me if it was what I wanted.
However, semantics aside, this is my situational analysis. I suppose my solid rejection of these standard niceties is due to the underlying notion that they are surreptitiously implying that I shouldn’t feel guilt.
I’m giving up a daily commute which has been robbing me of three hours a day for over ten years. I feel absolutely no guilt over that.
I am giving myself more time to take care of myself, relax and expand my world. I feel absolutely no guilt over that.
I have made arrangements for some things to continue on without me, uninterrupted, and to no one’s disadvantage. I feel absolutely no guilt over my departure from those duties.
So, what exactly is it I am feeling? Stress ? Sure - selling, buying, moving. Regret? Sure – I’d rather not have to be at this point in my life. Sadness? Sure – this particular vignette is winding down.
E-conversations with friends have led me these self-written reminders:
Chapters are only short sections of our lives. Each chapter has a prequel and a sequel. They're all connected, and flow with reason and rhyme: All in good time; all in good time.
I have been paused a while in that small blank space that signifies a turn is due. I will be shuffling the page corner, and am anticipating the story’s continuation in exactly four weeks. My hope remains intact because I know this chapter won’t stand alone, and I know there’ll be a sequel.
All right. Now, back to the origin of this note: in order to distract the tears, I stop packing long enough to log onto facebook, searching for something either brain numbing or heart lightening. There on my profile page, I find the following verse for the day: The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people, and your household and go to the land I will show you. - Genesis 12:1.
Well, then. I guess that's that. I’m going. It probably won’t be at all what I had in mind, but it’s where GOD has led my heart – leaden for so long, longing to be buoyant.
In this issue: Misonomer, Continuing Forward, Corrugated Cardboard, and Corn Starch
Now Posted: New Orleans, October 2009, On a Personal Note
Posted by jaselin at June 8, 2010 10:47 AM