jakorte's blog

Anger and hurt. I hold out for as long as I can.
Unfortunately, there is always someone or something that pushes me too far.

Telling me I said something I did not. Telling someone else I said something I did not. Ignoring me – repeatedly – even though I’ve calmly and, as often as possible with humor, explained over and over the implications and ramifications of your actions.

Expecting me to pick up the physical or emotional pieces you purposefully shattered during a tantrum – not going to happen.

I may, however, help you figure out how to gather them up, refit them, rebond them and make due with the consequences of your actions. I may not offer right away. I may wait until you ask for help, or I may just begin to help if I see you making the effort.

Even so, the voids are always mine to keep.
Bad situations leave dimples, dips or holes in my heart; sometimes fissures.
I have no choice but to fill them with GOD to heal myself….eventually.

For the moment I am choosing not to initiate self healing.
Under the guise of self-protective reasoning – if I don’t carry the hurt for a while, I’ll forget too easily what it feels like.
Under the guise of unfairness – if I fill up every hole I have with GOD, there will be no space for you.

I shouldn’t have to tell you you’ve hurt me. I don’t want to be magnanimous.
I don’t want to have to say “that’s ok” after you offer an excuse of an apology that only carries faultless insistence.

It’s not ok.

So, for now, that’s how we’re going to stay: me with unfilled holes, and you - not with me.