jakorte's blog

It’s that time of year I tend to disappear.
It’s more comfortable to drop out than stand in.
I don’t know if it’s the fleeting false forced happiness requirement that irks me.
Or the pressure to keep saying, “Yes, I’m fine.”
Which, for the most part is true - just not all the time.
Just as I’m sure you’re not fine all the time either.
We isolate each other with pretenses that make us doubt ourselves.

I know we’re supposed to love the gatherings and celebrations.
At what point does it become easier to walk into a crowded room alone, to leave alone?
I can’t say, because I don’t even try anymore. It worked the first year, but I think that was numbness.
It’s only become more dreadful since. Once I get past the door, it gets a little easier, and if I can keep busy serving or setting up, I’m fine. It’s just the walking in and walking away that kills me.
If I find the strength to show, I stay for as long as I am useful.
You’ll probably miss me leaving because I slip away quietly on purpose.

I’m not sulking away. I don’t cry myself home. I’ve just had my outsider’s fill. Throwing me into your family mix makes your great-aunt want to meddle or coddle or match make. I’m ok on my own, really. Lonely sometimes, but smart enough to know that’s not likely resolvable. I’m pretty pleased with the way recent changes have worked out. There’s still something missing, and I’m well aware of that. But forcing my solo self into that barely-enough-room-for-elbows extra chair at any dinner table isn’t the answer.

Even perennials have a non-productive dormant season. No reason to be hard on me if I choose to lay low for a while; I don’t plan to stay in that place forever. Lows are part of the science of highs; I'm looking to an even keel as welcome relief when the emotional lash-back battering becomes too much.

I know this is all anticipation. I promise I won’t make any choices until I have to.
I’m going to do what feels right and best for me.
Maybe this will be the year I don’t drop out, or maybe next year will.