jakorte's blog

It’s so much easier to ignore your empty when you avoid exposing yourself to others’ full.
Despite that, I stubbornly lift myself and continue forward. So far this holiday season, I've conquered two events knowing before I attended that I'd be hard pressed to stay. I actually missed two escape routes at the first event because I was busy talking and enjoying myself. Didn't completely negate that panicky feeling when I realized I only had one option left, even though it was the most reliable one. Didn't have enough time to panic at the second. No downtime. I liked that!

I wish I'd kept track of how many people told me it would get easier. It’s not. It's only getting harder. I suppose the fact that it’s not getting easier, means I must care more about this not being alone thing than I thought. I guess. I'm not sure. Which might actually be more healthy than being sure. Because being sure leaves you without any options or wiggle room, and makes you look ridiculous when you change your mind.

In some ways, the worst is over. Yet, I'm still unclear how to deal with the future. For a while now, I've only been planning in short increments - this week, next week, the week after. I'm ahead of that now: a short upcoming trip in January, possibly one in March, possibly one in July, possibly one in September. All that pretty much constitutes a longer term future than I've considered in a while.

In the meantime, though, the immediate future is still in control. The holidays are approaching and events keep coming, and, yes, like everyone else I am seem to be running out of time at the end of each day. I need to reverse the slow-down and put some hustle in my bustle. I’m thinking that one of those previously scoffed at pre-lit spiral pull-up trees in-a-bag might be a viable decorating option. I’m not 100% sure which unpacked box the ornaments are in, but I have located the wrapping paper and gift bags. The majority of the presents (except the ones which are back-ordered or still in route apparently via slow-trot covered wagon caravan) are in one place, bundled into future ownership piles, ready to wrap. … sometime in the near future.