jakorte's blog

I love the Sparkspeople nutrition and exercise web feature. It breaks your daily consumption into three different pie charts, which either provide an overall view of where you've been or where you want to go (depending on if you enter data as planning tool or a recap tool.) It's also an accurate indicator of appropriate balance.

In the pie chart of my life, the together part is the smallest slice of the continuum. It was the best part, the most significant part, the part I learned the most from, the part that saved me. But now is now and as the years add on, the together field grows smaller by percentages. Having to consciously swing the pendulum back to the present, pull away from missing the brief bliss, and bring myself back to the regular world is not insurmountable. It is however, painful and sad and depressing, and not taken lightly. I’m preparing for it now, envisioning the transition, hoping that in 9 months I’ll have developed a plan, or devised a better way of acknowledging it, or at least somehow taken the edge off that alone/together percentage game.

In a recent conversation someone asked me a casual question that left me speechless. "What are your goals? What are you hoping to accomplish?” It took me a few silent blinks to gaped-ly realize - I don’t have any. My lips moved but nothing came out. I just couldn’t answer that question. I’ve got this big blank page that I am in position to color as I will, and I don’t know where to start. I’ve been living with my minute daily goals, and some vague weekly goals, for such a long time now I can no longer see the big picture, and I no longer want to anyway. I'm happy in perpetuation; in the way I've managed to settle into having traded one routine for another.

It's not bleakness. It might be patience. It might be I'm believing - without trying. It might be that I finally live in this trust: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Take note of this: HE has plans for us. Not a single plan, but plural plans. I choose to believe we each have more than one purpose to search for; to seek. I gratefully acknowledge the one I have served so far. I am still recovering from that. I believe with all my heart, I know in my soul: I will without a doubt find myself within another purpose someday. But for now - I am thankful for this break. Thankful for the chance to recover, the patience to perpetuate, to live in comfortableness with peace. To know I have been and am blessed beyond whatever I might have imagined.