jakorte's blog

I had a brief shining day of success a few weeks ago. Everything was going well. I felt… optimistic. It is after all the Year of the Rabbit. Happy with my job, feeling great, loving my neighborhood., travel plans arranged…

The emergency room trip took a bite out of that balloon and left me … deflated.

The expense of the episode, doctor office follow ups, prescription expenses and losing about a week of my life, has rearranged things a bit.

For me, physical and mental well-being are tied together. I’m struggling to rise to my former self. Wet melancholy is not my favorite place to be, but at least I recognize it’s where I am at the moment. No matter how hard I shake, it will not roll off. It’s not usually this difficult to pull myself out of the pity-pool and towel off. Why is it harder this time? I don’t know. I could guess, but I don’t want to.

All I know is that I’m not happy to compromise any of my plans for this year. I’ll accept a compromised level of unhealthy stress to avoid consuming disappointment. My plate’s been full of that, and I’m very tired of it. So, I’ll struggle through the next few months until I have some of my life under control.

I’m a little afraid of optimism, and euphoria. They’ve always let me down. Now though, I have a store of self-righteous inspired anger and dogged pit-bull determination. Nothing and no one will take away my plans. I’ll have to work harder at everything. But I’m going to make it work. All of it; not just parts. That’s not optimism – that’s determination.