jakorte's blog

Jitters. I’m restless, agitated, transmitting slightly off center, not sure if I’m early or late. I thought I was happy with myself. Where do these insecurities come from? They sabotage the excitement, make me want to stay away. I’m nervous those I want to see won’t want to see me. Small talk isn’t my forte. Large groups are intimidating. So many reasons to keep to myself; did I really come this far to fall out now?

I used to go to parties because I was horribly afraid of what I would be missing. I rarely enjoyed them, but believed they were necessary to my happiness, and to my career. I would loath getting ready, feel uncomfortable upon arriving. I would make sure I was seen, always with a smile on my face. I was constantly on the look out for the right moment to slip away quietly. Without fail I would beat myself up after getting home over my awkwardness, my inability to make small talk, my propensity not to care about gossip, nonsense or getting drunk. I'd keep going, though. Each time, holding out as long as I could. Each time, it never failed that all of the good stuff happened after I left, anyway. All of these things point to a long standing reluctance to attend large gatherings.

But tonight will be different. I will not make myself any promises. I will not make promises to any others. I will not expect anyone else to be responsible for my happiness. I will not put pressure on myself to have fun. I will let every experience be exactly what it is, and analyze it later. I will follow and take each situation at face value. I have an escape plan. I hope I won’t need one, but I probably will. I’m sure the bar has a cab service to call when I reach that inevitable moment when I decide that I am done.

Well, then. It appears that it is possible to plan not to plan.
It’s surely shaky ground, but I do believe I have perfected the art.