jakorte's blog

11/2
Following directives, suddenly I’m a zero-to-sixty, nothing-to-all, ninnyhammer. All in one week: a concert and reconnection, an early morning coffee date, an early-to-late evening shopping trip, church again – on time this time. Dentist, doctor and therapist appointments. Weekends filled with traveling, hair revision, lunching, shopping, dinner and a movie, church, hair re-revision, heart-to-heart talks, Sunday supper – ethnic foods with a side dish of laughter, lunch with friends, dinner with friends, catching up with myself, leaning back to admire my efforts, and nodding off to sleep, semi-contented which is more than I have been for a while.

I credit what I assume is the effects of the medication. I’m full of sage advice, and I freely pass it on. Just ask me how and I’ll tell you. It’s a lot easier to fix other people’s lives, I laugh, poking fun at myself and everyone else who has tried to fix me. My therapist says “I enjoy laughing with you.” And it occurs to me, I can only laugh at the past. I wonder how long it will be before I am capable of present tense laughter, again.

11/10/11
I forgot to turn the sound on the phone back on yesterday, all day. It rarely rings, anyway. Didn’t think anything of it. Luckily, for some reason though I thought to check it. Almost missed an appointment reminder call. It bothers me that my memory is non-existent. It's like my brain is full. If I don't add whatever it is to a list, it ceases to exist.

Had an interesting conversation with the therapist yesterday regarding apathy and lack of any type of motivation and extreme tiredness. For example, Harley Blu knocked all the magazines off the coffee table three days ago. I spend most of my time on the couch and I can easily see them there. I don’t care. The therapist says I’m not tired. I’m sad and I can’t tell the difference between the two.

The repeated suggestion/solution is to try once more to: “embrace the darkness, observe it, learn from it.” He suggests I should write about it. I said I have been, for four years straight. Perhaps not entirely honestly, though. In any case, I decided instead of running errands yesterday I would go home and lie on the couch. From 2:30 – 8:00 I sleep, completely passed out. The medication makes me groggy. I rouse myself enough to eat a Lean Cuisine, take my pill and go back to sleep… until 4:00 am in the morning. I don’t feel any more rested, so maybe it’s true: I am sad. Supposedly it’s a phase of grieving.

The phases are well defined but the steps are not. I’m trying to live the cliff notes version of grief. Just want to get it over with.