jakorte's blog

I’ve conquered a lot lately, in private, which may have been the hardest part.

I’m sure it seems you know pretty much everything that comes across my mind or into my life. But these carefully crafted once weekly outpourings are only the best of things, even when writing about the worst of things. They barely touch the surface of the holes I am trying to fill.

I’m not sure when I started thinking of holes as the problem, but I no longer feel that way. The problem isn’t the holes. It’s finding their purpose, and figuring out how to use them. Holes in our lives are there to give us the opportunity to fill them.

Time won’t fill holes – time flies and experience tells me I’ll never catch it. Actively searching for new self-definitions - trying to fill the vacancies - has been exhausting. I thought all I had to do was climb out. The view from the top has been enlightening, but still frustrating. There’s a temptation to throw myself back in just to take a break from the continuous who, what, where, when, why, how searching.

There are things I haven’t shared with my grief therapist because they’re not related to the past or grief. They’re related to recent and now and I haven’t quite sorted all that out, yet. I continue, however, to be well stocked with notebooks, and fast writing pens.

So, yeah, I’ve got issues. I’ve also got a plane ticket to Dublin and another festival to work and enjoy.