jakorte's blog

So, if you want to see a movie that will make you cry within the first five minutes, try The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

I socialized this weekend. If you count non-talking time in a theatre and non-talking time while dining on Chinese lemon chicken with one friend and one stranger as socializing, that is. LOL. The point is, I received an invitation and I accepted it.

Sadly, I see people - all the time, everywhere. I see people that I am not. People I don’t want to be. Shopping alone or dining alone or taking in an inexpensive afternoon matinee. I look at them and think - I can’t let that happen. That can never be me. But an hour of restrained snuffling and flat out crying makes a bathroom visit necessary before I can show my eyes in the real light of the day. I wash my hands, and avoid looking up. I don’t want to see the damage. Curiosity overrules. I stare at my solid shirt now covered in tear-dot pattern, and sigh. If I hadn’t been embarrassed to keep swiping at my eyes, I wouldn’t have let the tears run down my cheeks and spot me up. I glance up in purposeful and cursory way. It really shouldn’t matter how I look anyway, but I'm sure I'll see that some matte finish, shine eliminating powder is in order.

There in the mirror, I see: someone I don’t want to be. Well past the age where some of my longest held dreams will come true, I no longer even imagine compromises I was willing to make, because it’s too late for them now, as well. So, what does that leave? A bit of embarrassing desperation that even I am uncomfortable with. “It’s not meant to be” is almost as bad as “It is what it is”. The fear of being alone is not greater than or less than, but solidly equal to the fear of inevitable heartache. Why is our fondest desire to love and be loved when we know we will be hurt and that we will eventually hurt others. Someone has to be left behind.

There is no connection without separation. It’s hard to not consider that; it is so much easier to live in the moment. But living in the moment shows disregard, doesn’t it? The Bible’s message is love: love each other, love GOD, love the gift of life. Two out of three ain’t bad doesn’t apply here. It isn’t exactly all or nothing in the trinity trifecta, but if you miss one part, you miss completion. My shirt is stained in mostly rows, a bit random but flowing from the same source and following the same route. It’s still green, but for the time being, the well absorbed drips murmur different hues. Their variance draws a question, assuming I am not monotone, and the odds are very good in this:

If I threw my life up against the wall, would it be a rainbow splash or a muted wash: an explosion and drip, or precisely individual splatters? And which would I prefer?