jakorte's blog

Maybe it’s because I learned faith later in life. I haven’t had as much time to fall away. I was never introduced to it growing up. I was, however, introduced to wrathful GOD, a GOD who uses suffering as retribution, a GOD so unhappy with his creation of man that HE began again. I knew only religious fear, that rules were rules, and no matter how hard we tried there was no guarantee that we would please HIM; no guarantee to be inscribed onto the tree of life.

I never had faith growing up, so it’s pretty much my balloon-like life preserver now. It's wavered through my life storms more than a lot, but so far I’ve never let go. I have, at times, slacked the tethering to let it soar. I’ve watched it go higher, and ironically grow smaller.

It’s best to keep faith close to you, revel in the buoyancy. Keeping it too close though, runs the risk of alternate-view obliteration. We don’t need to be absorbed by our faith to the point of blindness. It certainly shouldn’t shut us off from others, keep them out of view. I don’t profess to have all or even any of the moral answers to so many of our current religious and political issues. I’m not about to say what’s right and wrong. I am not a biblical scholar; I am not an authority. I am a constant learner with more questions for each highly interpretive answer I am given.

Through the Bible, GOD has told us his view and shown us his plans. It’s a simple message, really: Love. Love everyone as much as you can, but do not allow that love to sway your beliefs. It isn’t for us to change anyone’s mind or being or to judge. It’s up to us to open our hearts and arms and share and lead and teach. I don’t have much of a problem loving, until betrayal. That’s where my trouble begins. I’ve found that the wrong kind of forgiveness just leads to more hurt. It’s like continually sticking a whetted finger into a live socket and expecting not to be shocked. I’m tired of being shocked, so I eliminate the potential for it. The problem is that no one can be open and closed at the same time. Staying closed definitely leads to less conflict, but it’s kind of lonely that way, too.

I question my faith; how I keep it, how I show it, how I share it… or don’t share it. I figure I am the way I am because that is how I am supposed to be. Years of trying to overcome shyness, speech and physical impediments, stuttering and weight issues have been stressful. I can’t change any of that. I do struggle to keep faith, and sometimes it shrinks small as a mustard seed. But I suppose there’s a “hurrah” in heaven for my stubbornness and an impending “amen” on earth because something good will happen.. someday.