jakorte's blog

10/7

Allow me to state the obvious: I’ve been at war with myself and my situations for some time now. I pray and pray and try to decide – should I move to back to TN or NY. Or maybe Boston or Atlanta. Should I ditch the career path, head back to music, be more zealous in my writing? I ended up overwhelmed this week. Between the disappointment, the loss, and the moving on, the emotional roller coaster started with a jerk and jerked to a stop. Still I hesitated: stay here and risk another ride, jump off and bolt? I’ve been silently asking for what seems like forever now, almost constantly.

Tears don’t come easy to me. They never have. They’re a waste of time that I know could be put to better use. Still, though, sometimes they just need to be freed, and not always on my time table. Blu startled me into a forward topple making it necessary to reach out for recovery. Thankfully, my hand connected with the mirror resting on the cabinet and steadied myself. When I took my hand away, it toppled into my nose, made me see stars. I slapped it back into place and then a little further. So, there I was on Friday night, trying to figure out how to retrieve the mirror from behind the cabinet attached to the wall. In order to reach it, I would have to remove the molly bolts, move it out and re-anchor it. Only I knew from experience that it is a two person job, and I was just one person.

That was my straw that toppled my week. In a highly unusual moment, I threw up my hands, stomped my feet and through garbled sniffles half-yelled to GOD, at GOD, for GOD in one short angry not-so-much prayer. “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?”

So there it was – something I had never done before. I finally asked aloud. And something strange happened. For the first time in my life, I didn’t hear my heart cry “Go.” I heard a voice, a true voice; not in my head, not outside my head. An everywhere, encompassing, surrounding, strong and strongly modulated voice that to my amazement wrapped around me and breathed “Stay.” It was startling and absolute, not questionable. I cried harder and whimpered back, “No,” to the overlapping follow-up of “Be still.” Despite my unhappiness at not having received a real direction in which to go, and an even greater unhappiness that this is where I am supposed to be, despite that fact that I’ve always felt that staying requires more courage than I possess, I can’t say in that moment, I gave it to GOD. I can say that he took it away from, and calmed me, peacefully. Instantly.

In one long week of having to let go of a dream, realizing I had not made any memories of Ireland, and being set free from a therapy I changed. My foolishness, my stubbornness and the real reason for my most recent tears didn’t come from this anniversary week. In that light, none of those reasons matter, anyway. So little does. I am suddenly here, desiring to be no place else. I am in this moment and the last and accept them both. I have been searching for the right place to wrap up this story, or at least this part of it. This seems like a good one.