November 07, 2007
Listening
Sometimes the struggle becomes
Do I follow my heart or do I
Try and guess what God wants.
The only way I ever know
Is to see what happens afterwards
But that doesn't relieve the stress
Of having to decide now
What to do, or what not to do,
Where to go, or when to go
Or to stay and to wait, wondering
If I missed the message, wasn't
Listening hard enough, or simply
Just didn't want to hear.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:28 PM | Comments (0)
November 06, 2007
A Bigger Hollow
A bigger hollow just appeared
Caused by your exasperation
Communications misconstrued
It was just a simple thank you
Not a demand for something special
Not a demand for something more
I guess I'll never have your approval now
and that will always be a hole in my heart.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:26 PM | Comments (0)
Stone and Virtues
I dangled myself two carrots
Stone and Virtues
I've succeeded the first, never had the last
If I have to remind myself to be good
Then obviously I have failed
I'll never have your faith or joy
The best I can do is to be strong inside,
so the outside becomes believable
Even though I know, alone,
My heart will break again ech night.
What difference will it make
If I succeed the 4.3, yet never achieve
The virtue I saw in you, coveted and lost
Before I found the middle ground,
Moved over from the ditch to the pavement
Still being pulled off center,
Constantly fighting to the left
To appear as if I am getting better
Even though I know, alone
I will face myself only bitter.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:20 PM | Comments (0)
October 24, 2007
I Left a Lot of Me Down There
I left a lot of me down there
But I don't think the hole is any bigger
I just need something more
To take up the vacant inner space
I left a lot of me down there
And what I carried back evaporated
Quickly, quietly, put me back
Into the same place I was before
I left a lot of me down there
Brought back someone else's sadness
Brought back frustation
Brought back some doubt
I left a lot of me down there
Refocused some pain, freed the tears
But the pictures still look like me
Maybe even worse
I left a lot of me down there
Wish I could have left more
Don't think next time will be different
Not sure I'll ever want to know.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)
October 19, 2007
Another Chance to Pray
It's suddenly not about what I want
But what I want for you
I can only ask, seek, knock
And hope that my heart remains true
I can be thankful every morning
For another chance to pray
I can be prayerful every evening
That the feeling won't go away
Trusting that what I want
May not be what is best
Letting you lead me
While ignoring the rest
Of the wishes and thoughts
Waiting to see
If someday I might be loved again
For simply being me.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:09 PM | Comments (0)
October 16, 2007
Gone Again
I feel it slipping away
Like a slow receding tide
Leaving me damp and down
The deep stain of blue
Seeping in to my skin
Like the white plaster mud
Crept into the crevices on my hands
Like the gulf water sludge
Browned the cracks in my nails.
I've been trying to recapture
The brilliant colors
To keep them in front of my heart
To keep my moment of clarity
I should let it go before I kill it
Let it fly to another soul
But, now, in desperation,
I lock my fingers anyway
Holding so tight I am sure
I'm strangling its soul.
It was all I ever wanted.
Soon, it will be gone again.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:04 PM | Comments (0)
September 20, 2007
Things You Never Gave Me
Half-hearted kisses; empty words or faulty promises
Less than your whole heart; tears we did not share
Love with conditions; words of discouragement
Disrespect or disregard; staunch predictability
No without a yes; you before me; your bad days
Any reason to doubt myself; any reason to doubt your love.
This is why I loved you so; for things you never gave me.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 11:57 AM | Comments (0)
April 06, 2007
Lilacs
Amid lilacs and hats
Wasps buzz and breezes blow
The sun matters now
And I am trying to be peaceful,
But my heart gets in the way
It wants you here,
but it loves you gone, too.
Both in our own little heaven
Me for each moment I can manage,
You for eternity.
I carry so many pieces of you with me
To take the place of the pieces that went with you
And they're almost a perfect match, but when
The wind blows through the little gaps,
They might as well be cayons, sounding like
Deep flutes, running and jumping
Carrying your deep, purple scented laughter,
warming like a smile, blowing tears to my cheeks
I know I need to
Lift my chin towards the the sun,
And believe with all I have, that
Even as years go by, I can count on being
Amid our lilacs, and I can count on your memory
Always being there.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)