December 23, 2008
Roads
Roads
Embossed with ice tracks
Forced to stay between them
To reach the destination
Thankful for the guidance
Of a partially cleared path
Resentful of the boundaries
Imposed by winter’s wrath
Looking for a clearer way
To turn this all around
Snailing toward what waits ahead
For tears we’ve cried aloud
Praying that GOD holds you
Firmly in his hands
That HE provides your road
as peaceful joy, love, and
Patience to believe, and
Faith to understand
Worthy is not our decision
Forgiveness lets us stand
Feet planted firmly
Despite the paths of ice
To walk beside each other
On this road life.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 09:28 AM | Comments (0)
December 13, 2008
At what point?
At what point
does faith become fantasy
and hope become a delusion?
How do I know if it’s gone too far?
I may have crossed that line now.
Giving GOD suggestion on ways he can bring you to me.
I give HIM scenarios: if YOU do this, I’ll do this.
I’ll be right there. I’ll give my all.
I’ll make it work no matter what.
Promising GOD what I will do for HIM,
for you, for us.
I can shake my head at myself, but
a little later I know I’ll find my way back
to asking for you, praying for you,
hoping, for you.
Posted by jaselin at 09:35 AM | Comments (0)
December 10, 2008
Step Up
Step up
Step out
Polar opposites
of attraction
Take one step
Towards me
I will run
into your embrace.
Posted by jaselin at 09:41 AM | Comments (0)
December 05, 2008
worthy
I wish
I could hand it to you
In a nice
Neat little package
With a cheery
Bright red bow
And tell you
That everything inside
Is yours.
It would be
my way of saying
Everything
will be ok
Nothing
will hurt you again
I’ll be here
For you
You are worthy.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 09:57 AM | Comments (0)
December 03, 2008
now
December 3, 2008
i want to leave.
now.
go away.
change my name.
again.
disappear.
again.
start over.
again.
but i keep hearing GOD.
telling me to wait.
just a little longer.
it’s getting harder.
to stay.
in this nothing.
every day.
another minute.
my stretched soul.
comes closer.
to running.
the wait is.
proof of trust.
a challenge.
now.
this life.
didn’t work out.
either.
can't imagine.
what it is.
i’m supposed to be.
waiting for.
or who it is.
i’m supposed to be.
waiting for.
now.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 01:15 PM | Comments (0)
December 01, 2008
don't want to
don’t want to
examine my motives
don’t want to
be reasonable right now
don’t want to
face the reality
don’t want to
hear the truth
don’t want to
feel the regret
don’t want to
expose myself
don’t want to
disappoint you
don’t want to
prove myself right
don’t want you
to prove me wrong either
jak
Posted by jaselin at 03:37 PM | Comments (0)
November 24, 2008
I already know
I already know
that you’ll be disappointed
and I don’t know
how to shield you from that.
Putting you off
isn’t the answer
I need to get
what I need from this.
I already know
I won’t be able to
do it without the tears,
without the heartache.
I already know
how it’s going to go
so I might as well
get it over with now.
Posted by jaselin at 08:07 AM | Comments (0)
November 13, 2008
phase
It’s become so real
I know what it will
feel like
because I felt it once
inappropriately
in a strange place
at a strange time
during a strange phase
that I haven’t quite
escaped
because I don’t quite
want to,
yet.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 08:33 AM | Comments (0)
talk myself
I talk myself out of it
but not as much as
I talk myself into it
I weigh the irrational
against
the facts in real time
I dream of a future
I doubt
could ever exist
but it helps me get through
that one moment
every day
when I can’t see
any reason
to believe.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 08:32 AM | Comments (0)
October 27, 2008
staying, going
October 27, 2008
It’s breaking my heart to know
that yours are breaking, too.
It’s beyond me.
I can’t fix it.
I can only offer you
support, friendship,
acceptance.
Though it’s not what I want
and it’s not what I want for
either of you.
Friendship should never
out rank marriage.
That includes mine, too.
I won’t take sides.
I won’t report your confidences.
I won’t betray your trust.
I will share your tears.
I already have.
Love isn’t in the falling;
it’s in the staying there….
or going back if you’ve
drifted apart.
Or going further in, even if
you’re scared of the depth.
Or agreeing to equal ground,
then balancing each other out.
Or starting over, renewing vows,
with real forgiveness
for a real future, together.
Posted by jaselin at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)
September 29, 2008
At Least
Spinning in too many directions
trying to get away from my self
at least for just a little while
at least until next week
when I’ll be so gone
I’ll forget where I’m from
at least until I am on the way back
or at least until I make it home
when I’ll turn around once again
to figure out where I’ve been
and tell myself it’s ok to stay
at least until the next time
when I need to run again.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 11:02 AM | Comments (0)
September 24, 2008
Actress
September 24, 2008
I should have been an actress.
I tell people that I’m ok
And they believe me
I tell people that I’m
Happy this way
And they seem to agree
That I’m doing alright
As long as I keep
The tears out of sight
As long as I deny
I’d ever want more
From anyone
Ever again.
I tell people
I don’t need a thing
And I really don’t
except for maybe
someone to disbelieve me.
Posted by jaselin at 03:58 PM | Comments (0)
September 23, 2008
0 to 60
My heart
goes from
0 to 60
swells up,
and slams
against
my rib cage;
it happens
every time
all because
of your smile
i thought this time
i might be wrong
that I didn’t remember
you correctly
but it happened again
just can’t look away
you must know
i’m staring
and that sometimes
my mind drifts off
into your blues and greys
with admiration and respect
and more than just a little
wistfulness, expanding
the risk, the want, the need
0 to 60.
Posted by jaselin at 10:38 AM | Comments (0)
September 21, 2008
Slam
I'm
waiting
for
the
full force
slam
and
looking forward
to it.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 11:33 AM | Comments (0)
September 08, 2008
I am not the hurricane
September 8, 2008
I am not the hurricane
I am the sunset’s brilliant memory
To keep with you through
The dark night ahead
Knowing that dawn will be coming
And another sunset will arrive.
I am not the storm
I will never take you by surprise
I will fade in and fade out
As needed in your life
To make you stronger,
To lift you up.
I am not the tidal wave
Coming to clear your heart
I am the gentle-winded flow
Cooling your fears
Taking your tears
Washing you clean.
I am not the hurricane,
nor the storm, nor the wave
I am the one
who will be for you,
quietly.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 04:13 PM | Comments (0)
September 07, 2008
Like You Wanted
It keeps coming back to you
how you changed me then
so I'd have the strength
to change me now.
I couldn't have done it without you
I never wanted to do it without you
and I've never had to.
You're always there
when a decision needs to be made
when a laugh needs to be shared
when I'm tired of my day.
You're always there
there's no way I'll ever let you go
there's no reason why I'd have to
when I can share everything we became
with someone new,
just like you wanted me to.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 08:20 AM | Comments (0)
September 01, 2008
Light blue marble
God has thrown me down
before you
to see what I am
made of;
light blue marble
crystalline tears
cold, smooth, stunning
not what you expected,
me neither.
There’s the surprise
sometimes I see it
sometimes I don’t
sometimes I don’t know
what I want to see
sometimes I only see
what I want to.
It’s hardest when the words
come without warning;
that’s when they are strongest
and stronger than I am
as they find their paths
to you.
Posted by jaselin at 09:25 AM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2008
Stopped
August 28, 2008
I’ve been in this place before
The good news is that I recognize it
The bad news is that it’s comfortable
It’s easier to be broken
Than to try and fix all the problems
It easier to be tempted
To stay here and stop worrying
Stop waiting, stop hoping
Stop trying to convince myself
That I can get it back to good
Stop being disappointed
that I haven’t yet
Stop believing it will get better
Stop seeing myself as I was,
accepting myself as I am
and as I will be;
stagnate thru the remainder
Stopped .
jak
Posted by jaselin at 08:00 AM | Comments (0)
August 14, 2008
Impersonal Time
Impersonal time
in large doses,
becomes more personal
as time goes by.
It’s a natural
progression,
isn’t it;
politeness to intrigue?
I still question
the connection;
am I reading
you wrong?
I indirectly
did the best I could
to bring you
closer to me.
All that’s left
to do now,
is sit back, and
wait, and see.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 10:35 AM | Comments (0)
July 28, 2008
More Than Once
I shattered a long time ago
And I’m still finding
Pieces of myself
In unexpected places
Like the bottom of my foot
Or in the back of my closet
Or in your eyes, once in a while
I never had much luck
When I was looking
So I gave up
Now pieces are coming at me
Sometimes too many at once
Sometimes too long between
Sometimes from you, once in a while
I’m more whole than I was
But still fragile, and
Much more prone to shattering
I don’t want to go there
I don’t want to stay here
I just want to be with you
More than once, in a while.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 01:13 PM | Comments (0)
July 23, 2008
Ready
July 23, 2008
I’m not really sure
about what I feel
if it’s real
or if it’s just
wishful thinking
again.
I guess if I am
ready
I will know
I guess if I am ready
HE will tell me so
There’s a reason
for the stutter
for making sure
the message got thru
to face down critics
to let you know, too.
I think it’s braver
to write it, and
let you keep the words
than to set them
on the voice of
the temporary wind
I guess if you are ready
you will let me know.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 07:24 AM | Comments (0)
July 18, 2008
When I Wake Up Crying
When I wake up crying,
You smile me back to sleep
When I don’t want to face the morning,
You bring me brilliant sunrises
When I feel all alone
You find a way to remind me
That you are always with me
That you never let me go
Sometimes I see you
In my own eyes’ reflection
It surprises me to see
Who I have become
Thanks to you.
Posted by jaselin at 01:22 PM | Comments (0)
April 29, 2008
intersession
April 29, 2008
I can’t believe in
intersession
When divine providence
disagrees
If pre-destination governs
life
Where does the asking
fit
Is that part of the
plan
That we should
ask
And yet believe that
outcomes
Are always what God
wants,
anyway.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 10:13 AM | Comments (0)
April 14, 2008
I'm Not Surprised
I’m not surprised by bitter tears
Or that I let them get this far
I’m just amazed in all these years
I haven’t yet found a jar
Big enough to hold their worth
Or deep enough to save them all
Despite the well worn course
And my reluctance to let them fall
I’m not surprised I feel this way
It always comes around
When every one is a “first� day
Feelings like this are bound
To show up unannounced, and
Leave my heart a canyon mess
Sculpted just from hardened sand
And carved of nothing less
I’m not surprised by bitter tears
But then again, I am
Having just convinced myself
That I could safely stand
Beside you without hurting
Near you with out sharing
For you without wording
Away from you without caring.
Posted by jaselin at 12:10 PM | Comments (0)
April 13, 2008
over it
It doesn’t matter
that it’s wrong or irrational
I thought I could
get over it by facing it
but I couldn’t even look at you
I couldn’t even turn my head
I knew that if I saw the pity
I would crumble
I knew that if I saw a light
in your eyes
I would cry
I knew when I took your hand
what it would feel like
and that I would love it
just because I already love you
It doesn’t matter
that it’s wrong or irrational
all I can do is pray
for your happiness
because that is what I really want.
I’d like it to include me
but I doubt that it will.
Posted by jaselin at 09:24 AM | Comments (0)
March 25, 2008
Another Little Lifetime Ago
Everytime I step out
and then step back in
another little lifetime
has passed me by.
Glad for the moments
that made up the break,
Sad for the moments
I have missed here.
Tradeoffs are hard to measure.
Regret is harder still.
I would not have been content
to be here,
knowing you were there.
I am still not content
with being there,
while you were here.
As just another little
lifetime ago passes,
I'm trying holding on to it,
so I can pass it on to you.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:22 PM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2008
Stayed
I should have stayed where I was
Then it wouldn’t have hurt so much
To look back on what I thought was ok.
I couldn’t find
what I was looking for yesterday
an invitation – with a date
I thought I had more time
But as usual, I was late.
I guess I should be glad
That I was spared that other pain
The one that comes back
After I put in so much effort
To make it seem
Like it’s gone away.
It’s so hard to be happy sometimes
It’s so hard to cage my jealous heart
There are reasons I did not get
what I asked for,
and I know what they are
and I know it was all for the better
but when you took away that half
a lot of what was left was bitter
and that’s been my aftermath.
So, is this what I wanted
To make it easier to leave
When the time comes
I thought I was too tired to start over
But I’m too disappointed to stay here, too
It’s coming time to leave again
I know that’s what I’ll do.
I know I’m headed for the road again
It’s just a matter of time.
I won’t bother looking for another you
Because that’s something I know
I’ll never find.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 08:09 PM | Comments (0)
February 25, 2008
After Taste
Cinnamon and spice
Tingling my tongue
After the warmth has been swallowed
Your memory is like that;
Each one leaving
Another little nerve exposed
I know it’s not likely
That we will ever be
More than a memory
For each other
Warm and swallowed
Taken in, tingling the senses
With a sense of
What we have missed.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:44 PM | Comments (0)
February 05, 2008
Trying
I can make the competition smile
Appear to be in my eyes
I can make my mouth
Follow the lies,
Serve to the best of my ability
But will it ever be enough?
When are we forgiven?
Every day, every minute?
Why does God keep a list at all?
I hated when you would say
That you were “trying�
I wanted you to stop trying
And just do what needed
To be done
And now it’s me
That every night
Asks for forgiveness
Me who keeps
Having to say
I’m trying
And sometimes I mean it
More than other times
I can make it seem
Like everything is ok now
I can make it seem
Like I understand it all
I really don’t
But I’m trying.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)
January 28, 2008
Swallowed
It’s like standing in quick sand
Trying not to make any sudden moves
Not reaching for help,
Or wiping away the tears
Not saying what my heart
Wants to say
Not staying will make it
Easier to go away
Being lighter
Doesn’t make me buoyant
Doesn’t make me stronger
Doesn’t matter anyway
The sand won’t hold
Much longer
I never minded pulling in
As much as I do now
Trying not to think too much
What heaven won’t allow
Broken piece by broken piece
I’ll be swallowed up
Quietly slipping away
Hoping you might forget me, then
Just like you did today.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:54 PM | Comments (0)
January 24, 2008
When I Am All
I feel the doors closing
Every where I turn
The tears are there just waiting
But I don’t have the nerve
To find out why
To find out what went wrong
It’s better to step back
And leave it all alone
Like it never happened
Like I never had the hope
I guess I never will be different
If I can’t let this go
Right now it’s all I have
To keep going, to keep waiting
To keep a tighter rein
On what could give me away
Or what could hold me back
To keep myself protected
To keep me as I seem
To be less before I am more
To be someone to believe
As long as I make the 30 miles
And end up safe at home
It doesn’t matter what goes on
When I am all alone.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:49 PM | Comments (0)
January 23, 2008
Driving on Ice
Driving on ice
Walking on snow
Being very careful
With my soul
Working through
The winter
Waiting
On a thaw
Wondering if the
Doors I try
Will ever yield
Rewards
Focused on
The waiting
Growing patience
In a jar
Perched on
The window sill
In the false sun
Of winter
Sometimes
I remind myself
Of what I think
Is true
Other times
I just rewind
And there's
Nothing I can do
Driving on ice
Walking on snow
Being very careful
Guarding my soul.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)
January 21, 2008
I Can Clean
I can clean out the clutter
I can file all the bills
I can use my shredder
Until I've had my fill
Of destroying
And de-owning
Of trimming down my life
But my heart is never
Going to heal
There will never be a day
When I wish you weren't here
There will never be a night
That's not the loneliest
I've ever spent
There will never be
Our life again.
From now on,
It will always be just me.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
Cracks in My Foundation
Cracks in my foundation
Account for the shifts
In my heart
There is so much to be
Overwhelmed by that
I don't know where to start
I just sit
Watching the walls crumble
Watching the regrets pile up
Wanting to move in some direction
But unable to decide which way
To go
Trying to bring myself up
But feeling the pressure
To stay down
To pull back in
To stay away from anything
That could cause me pain
Or any feeling at all
This is it, then
This is the rest of my life
I'll go through it numbly
And find ways to pretend
That I am still alright
And that I will always be
And hope that no one ever see
The cracks in my foundation.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:36 PM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2008
Keeping Me Alone
Such a strange disappointment
A rejected proposal
An erroneous connection
Feels like polar opposites
Are keeping us apart
Trying not to worry
Believing that something
Better will come.
It's hard and sad
And keeping me alone
Leaving me open
For other opportunities.
Ones I may not want.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:31 PM | Comments (0)
January 02, 2008
Patching
Although the doubt comes and goes
It changes me every time
I'm always patching cracks
Stabilizing fears, covering up sadness
Afraid that my dreams might be
Interpreted as madness
I've pictured it a hundred times
Imagined how it should be
I know I'll be disappointed
If this ever comes to be
So, I'm happier now that I can see
The gulf is growing and that's how
it should be
There can't be a rewind
There's nothing that can change
The gap of time between us
And still sometimes I strain
To understand why I feel this way
When you are what I want.
jak
Posted by jaselin at 12:32 PM | Comments (0)