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May 02, 2006

Onward...

The past academic year, especially the part that just ended in this calendar year has brought me to a unique developmental stage in my life. My paragons of excellence are now old, white men. One could easily argue that this is just the fallout of studying for 6 years in a majority white country, where segregation, racial injustice and discrimination along several bases are the norm in propping up white, male hegemony. Of course I'd end up worshipping the white man!! But back it up sistas...Not only am I not glorifying white male status in the second sentence of my entry, but I am putting those characteristics out there because they sum up some of the people I have been called to follow. I see myself as...

...a 24 year old young man of color, a non-citizen in a strange land, who wants to look good, feel good, sleep in, enjoy the fruits of non-labour in my tropical island home and not face the explicit questioning of all human experience that is part and parcel of what we do as theorists, researchers and writers. On the other hand, I know that if I were to lay still on the beach at night, I'd still hear those same questions begging to be answered, banging against the walls of my heart. In desiring to be more and answer those questions, I turn to those who have done more and have made it their life's work to seek out answers. There are many who ask, but few who are capable of the rigors and possess the fervor required to pursue the answers- or at least the range of possible answers.
So when I say old white men, I am referring to people like Karl Weick, Don Campbell, Don DeLillo and John Kenneth Galbraith. DeLillo I've never read, but was struck by his reclusivity, as mentioned in this month's Details (sorry for the 2nd-tier magazne reference). All these men were like that- their time to write was sacrosanct, and it was a few holy hours attended to each day of their lives. They were "ruthless" with their time, as Lloyd Sandelands would put it (feel free to look all these names up). JKG was a famous economist that I learnt about at around 15 years of age. He died three days ago. He too set aside times and locations for his writing, which one dared not disturb. Karl Weick and Donald T. Campbell are two of the greatest scholars of modern time, and I was privileged to have learned about Don through Karl's class. All the theorizing, research designing, and drive to pursue and complete a research project may not matter much to the world if one cannot write about it. If we cannot share our knowledge then how is the world to learn about itself? If since the dawn of time humanity could not tell stories about the world and about itself, then where would our consciousness and our conscience be?
While these men may be the reference points around which I'm exhorted to model myself, there are others- not white and not male- who provide simple and elegant examples of what it means to work hard on and about an idea and then work even harder to express it. Josefina Baez was an artist-in-residence here at the Department of Romance Languages. She is a Dominican performer. There is no one thing she does or doesn't do. But she does identify herself as a writer. That is what she does-she writes. She gets up and writes everyday. This is who she is, no matter if nothing comes for a long time and she only produces five minutes of "good" writing. She says that she has to write. Her identity is in and of her writing. Is that consumption by writing (which sounds scary) or is it a symbiosis between the doing and the being of word and person? I guess, like in other relationships, even if things are going well and reciprocity is occurring, it is still a little frightening to enter into the world where you and the person become more and more united in heart, mind and spirit. In taking on a new identity, a self-defining elationship, one must drop one's old identity, and loss and detachment from the familiar is not an easy thing to experience, even when it is for the best. So I face the loss of parts of me that I claimed for myself- inexperience that could be blamed on youth, being a student rather than a colleague, being granted structure and direction, rather than creating it for myself. Picking up the potential and the new me could involve saying "No" more- to myself, my friends and my family. It will involve being by myself, and liking it. It will bring with it frustration and consternation. It will involve me using less words like "consternation". I will have to dedicate myself to an idea (or two; can I do two?), take up a voice (my own) and speak out. And as I have noted in Karl's class, speaking out makes you identifiable. Having your name attached to some words makes you vulnerable for attack. But it also allows you to do good work and share it with others. It allows you to change the world, and who knows...a few of those words may make sense to someone.

I originally put a question mark after this entry's title. But I removed it.

Posted by jpsteph at May 2, 2006 09:45 PM

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