February 23, 2006
Take your space and take your reasons, but you'll think of me.
You have betrayed the trust of one of your best friends and you will never get it back. I can’t believe I even gave you the benefit of the doubt. I am disgusted by your behavior and I really, truly, never want to see you or hear from you again. I loved you, do you even realize that? You displayed your true integrity to me and I hope that one day you’ll grow up and realize that people don’t appreciate the way you acted, ever, and hopefully you can change your ways. But until then, I will know that you are a manipulative, cowardly, selfish person and that you’ve always been right: I deserve much better than that, than you. So thank you, I guess, for fucking up now so I don’t have to waste another minute of my life on you. I will be fine, but you’ll think of me, and you know it. You’ll regret what you did... And at that point, don’t even think about coming back to me. You have shown me that you don’t have a shred of decency and you are not worth my time.
February 22, 2006
I need the smell of summer, I need its noises in my ears
SPRING IS COMING.
I am in a frenzy of excitement. You could smell it in the air today, that elusive scent of freedom, of roaming the streets at home in the balmy summer days, swimming, relaxing, loving life.. of getting ready for a night of friends, bonfires, coffee houses, just making memories. I wore flip flops to class today, ditched the coat.. sunglasses were a must. Ah, shorts. What a foreign concept. I cannot wait to experience the glory of naked legs once more. Warm weather is on its way, and I am going along for the ride. No more sweaters! No more bulky hats and gloves and scarves and 1/2 freezing to death just trying to walk to lunch. I can run outside! I don't have to go into that stinking, windowless room that is reminiscent of a jail cell just to get a workout in. I can swim.. and tan.. and not have to do schoolwork.. I can just enjoy myself! This is my summer. I have to live it up. After this, things will change. I am going to savor every moment of every experience, take pictures, write journals, I want to remember every second and cherish it forever. I am going to be right in the thick of everything. I can't wait.
February 20, 2006
Heroes get remembered, but legends never die...
I heard birds chirping this morning. I really really hope spring is here in time for 'spring' break... I should go somewhere next year, this weather sucks ass.
John Mitchell, a freshman at UM who went to Stevenson and was friends with 1/2 the people I know, passed away this weekend after a week in a drug-induced coma due to a snowboarding accident. It's so sad.. I never met him but watching people around me grieve for him is sad, hits much closer to home than anything else ever has. He was my age. He was best friends with my cousin, and his roommate took me to a dance in junior year. He was just like me. I went snowboarding this winter. I go to UM. What is God's plan for him, why did he have to go? I feel guilty having fun when people around me are so sad, and when an innocent life has been extinguished so abruptly. I wish I had known him, he sounds like an amazing person. It feels so weird to go on with the motions of everyday life when you know someone will never do those things again, and when you know the people who wish the whole world would stop until he comes back again. It's so sad, I wish there was a way I could help. I offered condolences and told people I'm here for them if they need to talk, but that's so puny. What possible reversing effect could I have? None. It pains me to think about those things that you just have to wait until it stops hurting. It pains me to think of people I care about going through that pain. I want to take their burden away. He is in a better place now, but he's gone from here. And he will never come back. I hope the people he left behind will be able to move on and live and love, for him if not for themselves anymore. It's such a sad thing to witness. He had a girlfriend of five years.
I talked to Jason today, I couldn't help it I guess. Asked him to promise me that he would be careful if he went snowboarding because a person just like him, or me, or any of our friends, just passed away from a snowboarding accident and I would die if anything happened to him. It was a text, so I didn't say anything else. He said he would, but there was no snow. So i told him there was too, in Canada or farther north in michigan, and maybe he was going to go over spring break. So he promised me he would. God, I miss him. Thinking about John Mitchell and his poor girlfriend and all the people who love him made me wish things could just be perfect. For everyone. I hate having to do this and not being able to talk to him and I would hate myself if he didn't know I still care about him.. I really would die if something happened to him and I never got to be with him and tell him I loved him again. What a scary thought. I wish no one had to go through the pain of losing someone who meant so much to them. And here I am doing it on purpose. But I guess it's all you can do, to move on and support each other and have faith that things will get better. John Mitchell will be remembered by the people who love him and they will feel better and move on. It will just hurt, so badly, to do it.
And this is how she carried on
Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything’s alright
But she could not hide her tears
’cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
My anger’s violent
But still I’m silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence is shared by millions
Remember you’re not alone
February 16, 2006
blah blah blah how does this thing work
So I Guess You Won't Have Trouble Remembering Me Someday, Someday Yeah
What a neat little blog.
*Warning:* Angsty entry ahead. You don't have to read it.
So Jason and I are officially on a break. Wow. Is it wrong to feel like a failure? Is it wrong to be excited about going to Chicago this summer or getting an apartment next year? No, it's not like he's dead. But it's weird, I just.. really hope it works. I would want to die if, after all that, we just fell apart or never talked again. It's agony not to talk to him, really. And I never realized it. I guess that's what the break is for, right? I want to appreciate him, and I want this to work. So it has to. I hope we don't break eachother's hearts. He means too much to me to go down like that.. like so petty. I want to be his friend, if nothing else....
I guess it's not that angsty but I've been complaining to the same ppl over n over again and I'm sure that they're annoyed as all hell and it makes me uncomfortable to know people dislike me for any reason. So I had to resort to this little-known, probably never-read, blog. So I'm pretty much talking to strangers and myself.
SOMEONE TELL ME THAT THIS WILL NOT END IN TRAGEDY.
i just really dont want to deal with that.