January 31, 2008
two words
ahhhhh chelsea's gonna be gone for four/five days. her birthday's coming up! i'll probably get her peach schnapps or something :d tie a ribbon around it. maybe make a card. or something like that. yeah. sounds good.
for cfc my group did our presentation on sight and seeing, which lead to research on hallucinogens and psychedelic drugs, and how people use it for a variety of purposes including a mean for creativity for art.
i said we should try it sometime. half joking. drugs are bad; they really do a pretty good job feeding us that information in high school. at the same time, what would it feel like to experience something out of the ordinary, whether it be increased perception of sight or hearing or whatever. quite. quite quite quite interesting.
Posted by ubinli at 12:28 AM
January 29, 2008
come again?
i receive a phone call this morning from my grandmother at around 9:30,
"How's it going? How's school? Is it cold? How's the divorce coming along?"
"...say what?"
so it's finally happening, just that apparently no one wants to tell me. at least not yet. i can see why. it's not exactly something that would be regarded as a fun subject in conversation.
i say i don't care, i think i don't care. i've been waiting for it for years and wondering why it hasn't happened yet. i try not to show that i care, if i do. maybe it just hasn't registered it. maybe the idea of an incomplete family is so much of my life that it doesn't make much of a difference. it doesn't. but i'm holding my breathe, waiting for myself to explode or break down. i don't know why i would, but i'm waiting.
Posted by ubinli at 08:33 PM
January 27, 2008
i hope i accomplish something
by the time i'm 26. why 26? no idea. i just thought it's a good number. at the rate i'm going though...
ahh what little faith.
bajibbers.
Posted by ubinli at 10:54 PM
January 26, 2008
if only i didn't need sleep to survive
i might actually get things done. every time i sit down to do work my eyes get heavy.
this lucky kitchen vegetarian lo mein is like...70 percent msg. bleh. i should've just made myself a sandwich. maybe i should get rid of these five hour shifts at blue apple and do homework instead.
or not.
Posted by ubinli at 11:30 PM
January 25, 2008
ommg
this movie is making me cringe
that is one pathetic man. fo real.
Posted by ubinli at 11:05 PM
January 24, 2008
hunger pain
is painful.
gotta work on tmp tonight~
----
ok. i can't get this sound thing to my liking. at all. all i can think about is how cold it is outside, how full i am from that nasty pizza (it's actually good but after a 5 hour pizza shift and eating the same kinda pizza for three days gets sickening) and orange juice, and how i haven't sexed in while.
jk.
i wonder who reads this.
Posted by ubinli at 03:45 PM
January 23, 2008
attack of the dirty socks
i really need to do laundry. like now.
yay! ok, got that done. did two loads of laundry because the washers and dryers pretty much suck.
made pizza for five hours instead of writing my essay, which i shall begin on shortly.
my feet hurts.
Posted by ubinli at 03:36 PM
cat in suitcase
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080123/ap_on_fe_st/odd_missing_cat
Posted by ubinli at 10:21 AM
January 22, 2008
death of Heath Ledger
off all people, this was a shock. rip you talented person.
its amazing how fast news like this spread; its almost instantaneous, everyone finds out at about the same time. as i was typing this to my friend, people started freaking out in the hallway. amazing.
person: Heath Ledger died, they say he might have overdosed on drugs.
girl: WHAT?! SOB! I LOVE HIM! I WAS GONNA MARRY HIM.
person: Heath Ledger died, they say he might have overdosed on drugs.
guy: WHAT?! DID HE FINISH THE BATMAN MOVIE BEFORE HE KILLED HIMSELF? IF NOT I'M GOING TO FUCKING RAPE HIS CORPSE.
lovely.
Posted by ubinli at 06:06 PM
narcissism
seriously.
Posted by ubinli at 05:27 PM
OMG CAKE
PIXELtART by *emlan on deviantART
Posted by ubinli at 01:36 PM
January 21, 2008
going fucking crazy
what is going on eh. what happened last night. i was so angry, not without good reasons, but no no. i dont want to be angry. that means i care. and that'll complicate thing. stayed over at Ann's. if it werent so cold i think i would've walked back to bursley and smoked a cigarette. not like i slept much last night anyway. stupid allergies to Jasmine. and the bird needs to stfu.
and then i realized i wasn't as pissed off at him as i am at myself. and here i'm typing instead of doing my collage before i have to work in a couple hours. for five hours. with people who don't give a fuck.
shit.
shit.
she is jealous of me.
i am jealous of her.
because we are similar?
no because we're so different.
yet.
is that a healthy relation?
if i could melt into the earth. i would. i wonder what death feels like. not suicidal or emo or whatever the fuck people are. just.
so curious. i dont believe in heaven or hell. their existence would be excessive, pointless. it'll be like sleeping without waking up? but we know that we sleep because be wake up. so what happens when we dont? we believe in heaven, hell, reincarnation, whatever, because we cant comprehend that idea. what'll happen when i die? the world will go on just the same. but what happens to this world inside my head.
its funny. looking in a mirror. who is that? she doesn't reflect what i think, what i feel. a stranger. i feel in all honestly uglier. someone spiteful. i look normal. that's...me?
someone explain eo me. why we struggle to live.
Posted by ubinli at 03:49 PM
January 20, 2008
so low on energy.
only if those energy bars worked i'd breathe them in the pounds.
shit.
shiiiet.
i want my best friend to be happy. why is it that she needs to be in a relationship to be happy. i want my best friend to be in a relationship. correction. i want her to be in a healthy relationship. for once. with someone that cares for her and love her. not because he just wants to sex her. gah. seriously. someone decent. make her happy.
maybe she'll turn lesbian.
shower to clear my head.
Posted by ubinli at 06:10 PM
January 19, 2008
testing.
i hate testing. it's the perform-in-front-of-everyone-while-they-stare-at-how-much-you-suck kinda thing. i mean, i'm fairly sure i'm going to pass, as it is the lowest belt testing. nevertheless it makes me queasy as all hell.
curses.
CURSES I FORGOT TO PUT THE SUBS IN THE SUB LOG. le gasp i suck.
---
wow, ok. long day. but it all worked out relatively well. testing went smoothly. omg, having four advance ninjitsu guys close in on you is so terrifying, yet so fun, even if it's just attack stops. adrenaline rush, we should do that every week :D
i like Laura for a coordinator for work; she's got good music choice and dances to it. nice girl~
Posted by ubinli at 11:33 AM
January 18, 2008
sound poetry
i think i'll experiment more, put more effort in it to match the collage. when things are recorded, the sounds seemed to be...magnified. it becomes easy to hear someone breathe, to hear someone's footstep. it's very interesting.
Posted by ubinli at 04:10 PM
January 17, 2008
green tea latte
is supposed to relax me.
i am sitting in michigan theatre right now.
blank.
blank.
blank.
while we're on the subject of green tea.
i present to you, the public, green tea mochi ice cream. if there is a heaven the clouds would be made out of this.
i wonder who the speaker is today.
and if i can stay awake.
i'll actually try this time.
especially since i've no shoulder to nap on anymore.
stupid calculus.
i would like say here and now that love is overrated. there is only convenience and need for affection and a sense of self-worth and a fear of loneliness and biological magnetism. love is a human-conceived concept, like the idea of souls. just cells that will eventually deteriorate into earth and dust. nod.
pessimist much?
Posted by ubinli at 05:07 PM
January 16, 2008
what is justice?
philosophy is ridiculous.
too many unrelated analogies and assumptions.
question! is this extreme self-doubt merely a result of our undeveloped frontal lobes?
am i doing art for myself?
well who else would you be doing it for?
no one?
Posted by ubinli at 01:52 PM
January 15, 2008
Aphrika. Hoorah!
i'm so excited for the four week Senegal trip this summer. just. so. excited. no computers. no phones. four weeks. with ten other students and two shower stalls.
Posted by ubinli at 06:45 PM
dreamland.
i had a dream that i was a mermaid and could do flips in the water. rather, i was only pretending to be a mermaid in order to advertisement the completion of a new ship in England. then i was turning the score for a pianist on ridiculously small piano in a long rectangular room. and we were attacked and we had to go out of the room to kill the enemies. no blood, just deaths. it was so easy. and unnervingly satisfying.
but it was only a dream.
i was reading over this one blog/diary entry from the end of summer.
"One night and a beer doesn't make it tolerable yet."
i don't want to go through that again. but i suppose it's just a part of life.
there was this story, about a woman who was basically immortal, but she wasn't satisfied. she ended up stealing the body of an alien being and merging with the Earth and nature, rather then choose to live forever or die like a common woman. because life is pointless, but she didn't want to disappear from existence.
i'm just waiting for jim to come back from discussion so we can go eat. there's something beautiful and poetic about gloria's mentalness. even though some are not her own. i don't know what to think.
i want to be a better human being. but how? and why.
Posted by ubinli at 12:08 PM
January 14, 2008
excruciating pain
in my tailbone. holy fuck.
slipped on icy steps.
Posted by ubinli at 08:33 AM
January 13, 2008
home.
it's all about hypocrisy and contradiction.
it should be brighter outside.
what do i want.
these headphones are amazing. they actually help me concentrate better: block out everything else. even though the cartilage piercings get in the way.
Posted by ubinli at 10:24 AM
January 12, 2008
salted peanuts...
are not particularly delicious, yet i can't stop eating them. something about salty foods increasing one's desire to eat...salty foods. oh such a trap. anyway. weekends always leave me a little depressed at my lack of productivity. i did read some required texts for ADP, shifted through emails.
chelsea is gonna be gone tonight for skating tomorrow.
i haven't slept in my room for three days.
oh goodness. what am i doing. i should get organized and get shit done.
i miss my best friend like crazy. she's in rochester, new york. we're both changing, going in different directions; it's scary. when i think about it i feel queasy. i'm afraid that we'll grow apart.
relationships are so week. over time and distance they grow so thin, until one day the ties may eventually disappear all together.
i don't want that to happen.
Posted by ubinli at 05:20 PM
save me, halo 2 music.
about to write an entry, started watching bourne identity, and fell asleep.
Posted by ubinli at 10:19 AM
January 10, 2008
i'm going to name my kid Juno.
it was an awesome movie. completely captivating. which reminds me, 12 Angry Men is a good film too. it's amazing how well it held our attention being a black and white film concentrated in basically one setting. both very thought provoking movies...one slightly more subtle than the other. but anyway, that girl in Juno. i like her. sandy and pamela were going on and on about how good it was; it's one of those things you gotta see for yourself.
i went to dinner with ming, lucy, her cousin, and his friend. being the only underage one was a bit of a bummer. that's ok. erm. what now. attention got distracted for a moment there. the tv's going and three people are talking at the same time or overlapping each other. a bit difficult to concentrate. tmp tomorrow! or today.
Juno was sweet, but not in a sappy nasty way. that's why sandy and pamela liked it.
Posted by ubinli at 12:57 PM
January 09, 2008
today tomorrow.
an hour and half of lecture and discussion on virtue, and, according to Plato, how virtue cannot be defined. an hour and half of circular reasoning and unprovable proofs.
homework is starting to catch up. i'm panicking about cfc because i have no idea what i'm doing or what i'm going to do. what i need is to develop some goddamn opinions and care about something. going with the flow and all that is what i'm good at, but that stream isn't going to lead me anywhere. i asked him what he would say about my personality, what he came was with was, "erm...i wouldn't say uncaring, but erm...just kinda 'whatever'." that's true, i like being that way. sometimes i do care, i just don't bother to show it, or sometimes i really don't have much to say because i really have no interest in those subjects.
is it wrong to think that it's ok to not want to make a difference in the world? is it our duty as privileged young students to want to do something big, something global, something that'll carry on our names in textbooks or tv shows? to be content is too little now. to stop to enjoy a breath of fresh air is to move at too slow a speed for today's society and competition arena.
is this evolution?
Posted by ubinli at 03:20 PM
January 08, 2008
the league of baby punchers.
it's just one of those days. for some reason i was under the impression that my classes will be more fascinating and somehow artistically stimulating, and that i would get a sudden spark of inspiration to create my best work yet based on philosophy and color. after thinking about the cake for so long and imagining its squishy goodness, the actual thing turned out to be...just a piece of cake. without milk. i'm sure it'll pick up though. or else i'll have to join the league for stress relief.
in any case i'm spamming my friends back home in maryland to encourage them to send me love letters through snail mail. empty mailboxes are so depressing. it's ok if you don't check it, but what else are you to do when waiting ten minutes for that sandwich from Blue Apple? precisely. maybe i can guilt them into spending forty-some cents on a stamp to make me happy for a couple hours.
i need to eat more ramen. shit. it's surprising i've only gained five pounds since coming to college.
"ARGH. I want to punch babies."
good god my entries are so...it's not depressing, per se. but not particularly happy sounding. maybe it's this mode of introspection. is being happy hard? what about contentment? if it weren't nasty outside i'd go climb the roof of the music school again.
current wishlist:
confidence
Steve Job's entire fortune, stocks and all
cake
Posted by ubinli at 07:28 PM
well fuck.
i can even procrastinate on sleeping. ridiculous.
Posted by ubinli at 01:45 AM
January 07, 2008
getting paid to sit around is oddly unsatisfying.
working five hours on stocking duty at the Blue Apple tonight was excruciatingly dull. for some reason philosophy was a bit of a disappointment; probably because we were in a windowless room in the basement of East Hall, the professor was not particularly captivating in his way of teaching, but at least the class is thought-provoking. i feel like the left side of my brain is rotting off. i wish there were time in the schedule to take biology or psych or something science. but not math. every time a conversation turned to math (like calc or math-heavy courses like physics), i would automatically insert a comment on how math was the bane of my existence in high school. it wasn't that much of an exaggeration either. i mean, i wasn't too horrible at it, i managed B's all through out school. maybe it was simply the mentality of hating it that prevented me from exerting my efforts on it. i wonder when i started detesting any processes involving numerical calculations or graphs...can't recall.
the breeze coming in from the four inches of open screen feels...amazing. breath of fresh air and all. it's past one o'clock. i should go to bed so i can wake up early to do homework due tomorrow.
good idea.
Posted by ubinli at 12:00 PM
January 06, 2008
in desperate need of a fire on my ass.
i am ridiculously good at wasting time. i think it's a sin. weekends are such good opportunities to work on new projects, get ahead on homework, read, exercise, have a social life, etc...but no.
Posted by ubinli at 06:38 PM
January 05, 2008
chinese takeout.
i smell it from the room next doors. quite the party. which reminds me: i should get some dinner.
pause. brain fart.
we went to huron towers today to make the security deposit for renting a three bedroom apartment next school year. i have no idea how we failed to realize that the lease was for a 12 month lease, but in the end we signed it anyway. issue. i told my mother it was only for the school years, now we shall have to pay for the four months of summer, too. all in all, renting the apartment for a year would still cost less than the school's fee of $8000 room and board. if i don't eat, that is. or just eat cereal and ramen for eight months. hey, that's what college kids are supposed to do, right?
this blog-for-class thing will take me a while to get used to.
me me me me me.
this blog is supposed to be "me"?
i should talk about me more.
when you look at any word for too long, it starts to look unfamiliar or just simply weird. intriguing huh.
me.
Posted by ubinli at 08:20 PM
January 04, 2008
bloggyblogblog blog.
blog. yes. entry blog. writing a blog is kind of a fascinating phenomenon. you kind of want people to read it, but at the same time you want it to be a place of private thought and contemplation. sometimes it's like if a tree falls in a forest and there is no one to hear it, did it really fall? i guess that only applies to a private personal-diary kind of blog, as opposed to a public one. going on a tangent. i like how you [at this point i'm wondering if this blog should be addressed to you, phoebe, because you're going to be the one reading it. and if i should use caps or not...] anyway how you said that people tend to write more interesting and thoughtful blogs if they think that it will be read. it's true. but in my case it almost turns out to be less honest, less direct. usually my blogs [i never liked the word "blog"] consist of fragmented thoughts and words typed out on a whim. no one really understood it, but friends still read and commented it. i guess that's where it really comes in: the fact that you don't really want to share your deepest darkest [or not] thought, yet you want its existence to be acknowledged.
it's friday night, i think it's time to watch Underworld.
i hope the grammar and spelling rule doesn't apply here.
and i feel like i should go chew some gum.
sobe is good.
Posted by ubinli at 04:21 PM